adminAnne Ruthenburg Marriage Doctor
HELLO there folks, I hope you are all well this week. As we celebrate Africa Day, I thought I might bring some things in relationships back to where we as African know they should be.There was a time when things were so much simpler than they are now in relationships. I always say that there was a time when men were men and women were women regardless of their career or lack of it or their income or lack of it. I look at our grandparents’ marriages or even some of our parents’ marriages which lasted forever. There must be some principles they followed that we could use in our relationships now that can help us stay focused for the long haul.
Lobola
Lobola was never there as a get rich quick scheme/business transaction, neither was it a purchase price. It was originally there as an appreciation to the parents or family for bringing up the young woman to this respectable place.
Prenuptial Agreement
This was totally out. Once a couple sealed their union they were considered one in every way. There was no such thing as his or her. All belonged to them regardless of who paid for it because each party brought something to the table in their different areas of duty.
Divorce
This was embarrassing and disgraceful on both ends. For a couple to get to this point meant that something had seriously gone wrong (not even an affair could cause this). Once a couple started having issues, there were people they went to before they even considered talking to the outside world. Tete was always around to give sound advice to the unhappy bride. Sekuru could be called upon to deal with the husband issues in the home. If the correct channels were sought and the subsequent recourse applied; there was no reason why the couple could not continue happily ever after. Social media was and never should be used to expose the couple’s issues.
Affairs
When men had affairs they were extremely discreet. If a man exposed his mistress, it was because he had intentions of making her his second or third wife. By then the wife and family would be told and engaged over the issue through the relevant channels. Things were dealt with respectfully and honourably. Also the man made sure that his first wife was given the respect due to her as the first wife always and in everything. The other wives knew their place, and did not tear the first wife down or disrespect her or each other in public.
The first family also did not suffer a lack of resources because of the new wife, it just did not happen. And because of the understanding and respect given to all involved; if someday the man became financially incapacitated; the wives would pull together to ensure all the family as a whole stayed afloat until the situation improved.
Nowadays with social media, affairs are even held across continents. This is why marriages can’t survive because one partner thinks just because they are not having sex with the person they are having an affair with is okay. No, it is not! Affairs people start in the mind. The sex is just an enactment of the affair already happening in the mind or on social media. I ask you . . . why if it is innocent, are there passwords all over your phones and computers?
Why are you taking phone calls away from your wife? Why can’t you put your phone down when you are eating or on the toilet, what is so important? Why do you switch the phone off after 10pm. What is so important that you have to answer every message or call after then.
Mistresses
It has always been accepted that an African man can have more than one wife. It is even in our laws. This is different from a woman who has become a mistress. This is and always has been regarded as shameless and disrespectful. In fact, I am told a mistress was simply considered a sex worker, someone paid for sexual services, which was disgraceful. Women known to be mistresses were shamed by the community and even her family in some cases. Unfortunately, the same recourse was not dealt on the man. So for a woman to become a mistress, she knew she was going against her family and community.
The price at that time was too high to pay. Although if a woman fell pregnant from a man; her family could and would demand damages and or marriage in payment. This was done to remove the shame or stigma from the woman and to restore her dignity in society.
Nowadays women want to be paid in return for sex under the disguise of being a mistress. Be honest enough to admit you are a glorified sex worker. The truth is if you are not one of his legal wives, then you are one of his legal sex workers. At least a sex worker calls it a job, and she knows if one man/client leaves, she can get another. If your married man returns to his wife, where will you go?
Kids Maintenance
Paying maintenance was not an issue in the early years in traditional families. Most men could not just abdicate their responsibilities. Even those that came to town to work in factories and took up other wives, still made sure that every so many weeks they returned home with money, seed and groceries for the family.
If the man failed to support his family, his relatives got involved and so did the woman’s family. Men were proud to be men then and they loved the feeling of being able to support their families. Men would be ashamed if they were unable to look after their families. Nowadays we have men who are not ashamed to be looked after and supported by their women. Many men are not even ashamed to cipher kids all over this small city and then try and get out of looking after them – how shameful.
In my view, it is easy to be a sperm donor. Being a father is more than just having a kid count out there. Fatherhood starts when you commit to supporting your kids not just in words but in ensuring their livelihood too.
Thank God for laws now that force sperm donors to become fathers. But why do you have to be forced to look after the seed you planted . . . who do you think is going to look after your seed? Nothing is for nothing especially kids!
Lastly, I have come to realise that we cannot act like the world is not changing. The world is changing every second and we cannot refuse to change with it. But changing with the world, does not mean letting go of the very traditions or principles that kept our respect, dignity, honour and responsibility as Africans.
Finally, I do understand that some traditional ways of doing things are not perfect, and yes we know of some women even men who ended up six-feet underground after being continually abused by their partner, but tradition kept them silent. I am not talking about things like this. Like I always say; if there is physical abuse, get out to a place of safety; then get help.
◆ Marriage Doctor can be emailed on [email protected] or messaged on Cell 0733285730
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