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Laina Makuzha
LOVE by DESIGN
Happy Easter to you where ever you might be during these beautiful holidays commemorating and celebrating the greatest love of all, the love of God poured on the world in giving His only begotten son Jesus Christ, as articulated in John 3 v 16.
Holidays have a way of providing “free” time for some folks, in which to reflect on life, not only its beauty but also sometimes its challenges.
This week’s topic, which we will delve into momentarily, brought to mind the chorus of an old song by Lisa Stansfield: “Been around the world, and I . . . I . . . I/I can’t find my baby/ I don’t know where & I don’t know why/why he’s gone away/ and I don’t know where he can be/my baby/but I’m gonna find him . . !”
Words of a song only those who know 80’s music might know. But words that ring true of many love seekers even today, which is what we are discussing today — the intricate journey of finding a spouse.
As I ponder the quest for love, fuelled by some amazing single men and women who reach out with questions and situations that they need help with, I am reminded of the determination and resilience that defines especially many women, like the one we shall call “Esther”.
A mature, brilliant,well accomplished and beautiful woman, Esther is on a mission to find her husband and is not in the mood for games — she is seeking the guidance of a man of God.
She has been serving in the house of the Lord, but now feels an emptiness without a companion and without a child of her own. Her story up to where she experienced frustration in ‘waiting’ for her turn, resonates with many women who have faced similar challenges. Who sees their plight, who understands their needs, who will extend a hand to help them on that journey?
Some might however, say the real question remains — should a woman set out to look for a ‘husband’ or she should, if at all, just look for love and let the rest unfold? Is it a matter of finding the right person or cultivating self-love and worth first?
The same could be asked of mature men who are out there feeling abandoned, lonely and believing there are no suitable women for life companionship and marriage. So what is happening here? Are there really no worthy bachelors, widowers or spinsters for that matter, who are still interested in settling down, marriage or even re-marriage? In my view Esther’s journey highlights the complexities of love, relationships, and personal growth.
Understanding Esther’s perspective
In my conversations with Esther over a period spanning several months, one thing remains constant, she feels she has wasted years serving without considering her own needs and that enough is enough. I tried sharing scriptures of hope, “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and the rest shall be added unto you . . . ”
They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength . . .” “Nothing is impossible with God . . .” and a myriad others, but there is no scripture you can remind her of that she does not already know. She is now focused on finding a mate, almost “by any means necessary — of age 45-55 range, and her desire for a prophet’s guidance reflects the depth and seriousness of her quest.
She just wants a husband to share her life with. Period. She will tell you this herself if you speak to her, she is very open to discuss her situation, hanzi zvekunyara hazvibatsiri. In seeking to understand her drive more, I asked what she had done about her situation and she mentioned she had tried many pastors to help her as she did not know how or where to meet her partner.
In her view, she finds it difficult because she never learned while other young girls were learning and trying out dating, as she was so focussed on ministry only. In her own words,” tumwe (young girls) twakangwara-ngwara twakazviziva twukaronga- ronga”, meaning some smart young girls caught on quickly and were able to get themselves marriage partners while also serving in church.
She says: “What I lack is opportunities for interacting with others so that I am known;
I do not have a platform for/of visibility where . . . people get to know I exist. I really do not have a social life . . . am not known, even if there is a man seeking a person like me, I am not visible in any meaningful/ impactful way. . . am looking for opportunities for interacting . . .”
In our discussions I made many suggestions but she seemed to have tried many of those already. She further says it has not been easy seeking assistance from pastors,who either refer her to a member of the church to help, or are not available to further engage and she has learnt some life ‘lessons’ from her experience:
“. . . churches will have demands from you, nothing new there — every one wants to have a unique relationship with God, but not necessarily neglecting one’s life in the natural; marriage, family being a key stabilizer, God himself instituted the marriage set up, as already shared.
After service/ ministration everyone goes home to their family, everyone — so that’s an area that one must work on to have own family . . . all pastors I speak with, not one has ever offered to be a Father figure to me, or if they do, when you then want to relate, they are not interested..”
While her approach might seem unconventional, it is essential to acknowledge her frustration and single-mindedness.
Empathy and support
As we ponder on this situation that might actually resonate with many single men and women, it is crucial to offer empathy and support. Rather than judging Esther’s methods or approach, how about we explore ways to help her achieve her goal or find alternative paths to fulfilment, although the latter is an approach I have already suggested to her.
Off the cuff, some ideas we have discussed on this column before,which could also help Esther if she would re-visit them include:
Self-reflection: Be encouraged (ie Esther and anyone in her shoes) to explore your values, interests, and non-negotiables in a partner.
Social connections: Consider attending social events, joining clubs or groups aligned with your interests, or volunteering.
Personal growth: Focus on self-improvement, self-care, and building confidence.
Open-mindedness: Consider different types of relationships or partners not just pure never-been-married bachelors. There are well meaning widowed or divorced men, spiritual and not, who are genuinely also seeking a good partner.
These are not prescriptive nor exhaustive ideas, as there are many dynamics involved and innumerable suggestions one could consider.
One thing you will find in talking to Esther, is, she does not want guess work anymore, she does not want to have to wait for years, she wants a husband now. For someone who has a different approach to life, or a different situation, her quest may sound irrational, but it is what it is.
Your thoughts and experiences
I would love to hear from you! Have you faced similar challenges or know someone who overcame such a challenge or had success in finding love in some way?
We do know there is no one-size-fits-all, which is why suggestions and insights from all those with love and good intentions, may just be what one needs in a situation like this to have a different perspective. Kuonesana kwakanaka.
Just my view. You are welcome to share your stories, tips, and advice for Esther and anyone in a similar situation whether man or woman. Together we might just help Esther and others on their journeys. Your input can indeed make a difference in someone’s life.
Love unscripted podcast
Follow Zimpapers online platforms and tune in to the podcast, “Love Unscripted,” for more discussions on relationships, love, and personal growth, as we explore the complexities of love and hopefully find positive outcomes.
By sharing our experiences and supporting one another, we can create a community that promotes strong long lasting relationships and wholesome, functional, joy filled families.
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