Sundaymail Editor
BEING a lodger is one life experience I neither want my children nor anyone close and dear to me to go through.
It comes with a lot of challenges and nicknames on one end and moments of severe mental anguish on the other.
The moment you decide to rent a room at someone’s property, you automatically surrender your rights and dignity to them.
Called “roja”, “tenant”, “mukomana wekuseri“, “parasite” or “chinamira“, this life of staying at other people’s homes is not rosy at all.
A good number of property owners use blackmail tactics on their tenants whenever they want to increase rent.
“Someone is offering me US$200 for your room, what’s your take?” they will shamelessly tell you over the phone.
It can be even worse if the landlord lives on the same property.
It is illegal at some houses for a tenant to take a bath before the father of the house or use the toilet when a member of the family intends to use the facility.
Such homes are like mini colleges where tenants are taught the best way of using the lavatory and leave it in good shape for the next user.
Lodgers are required to buy 15 rolls of toilet paper and four tins of floor polish per month, even when they spend the whole day at work, and are almost not allowed to use the bathroom. You have to stand being the butt of jokes when you are a lodger as you are constantly reminded of how foolish your parents were not to afford to build a house in the big city.
“My son, owning a house in the city demands huge sacrifices. When I was a young man of your age, I would forgo lunch while saving money to buy bricks, cement and doorframes. To own a property like this one, you really have to sweat. That is why I am enjoying a place in the sun,” some landlords will tell you straight in the face.
There are landlords who are so mean that they dictate the kind of relish you must cook if ever you want to stay longer at their homes.
“Do not cook knuckle bones and beans because they chew up a lot of electricity. Avoid fish, guru and matumbu at all costs because I can’t stand the smell. Buying bricks is expensive, so I need to enjoy and not be irritated by the smell of funny relish,” I was once told by a cheeky property owner.
Getting visitors is a big crime
They are interrogated exhaustively and matters can take a turn for the worse if they are of the opposite sex.
“I need to know whoever comes here because some thieves come here as visitors, only to show their true colours at night. You also need to remember that my house is not a lodge and people cannot come here for steamy intimate sessions while disguised as relatives,” a friend of mine was once told by his landlord in the presence of his sister.
If a sick brother pays you a visit, you are quickly advised to accompany them elsewhere out of fear they could die on the property.
“Rongai mubise murwere wenyu nekuti angafire pano,” you are told.
Owning a house sometimes arrogates to landlords some powers to do anything for their tenants, including selecting life partners for them.
“You must marry that girl next door unless you no longer want to stay here. I know what is good for young people and that girl suits you so well,” I heard a workmate telling his lodger recently.
Some landlords follow the children of their tenants to the toilet to assess whether or not they would have messed up the facility and if their fears are confirmed, boy, you will be in for a high jump.
Gentle reader, being a lodger sometimes turns you into a mad individual as you are forced to laugh at tasteless jokes to stay longer.
When a house owner is selling material, you are forced to buy, even if you have no use for the things.
If you have a car, you could be on your way out the moment you deny the landlord a lift or make him sit at the back.
Gentle reader, I can be anything else in life, but not a lodger.
Inotambika mughetto.
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