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Bongiwe Nkomazana
We talked about traditions and culture being drivers for gender inequality a fortnight ago and a number of examples were given. Lobola/roora was one of the examples and it has always been up for debate so I thought to put my two cents into the discussion.
For those who might not fully understand what lobola is, allow us to define it in the most basic way possible. Lobola or roora is property (cash or cattle for us Zimbabweans) which a prospective husband and his family will give to the head of his prospective wife’s family in consideration of a customary marriage.
It is a widespread traditional act carried out in most parts of Southern Africa and as much as traditions vary, this one has been carried out in the same manner across Africa for centuries before us.
We still hold it very highly and it is just one of those parts of culture that have stood the test of time and will possibly never fizzle out.
This is where the disagreements begin, with questions like how come Africans are ready to compromise some traditions but will never dare to let go of lobola/roora? We have people who say because times are tough and there is wealth involved, fathers are looking at their daughters as a real business and to take away lobola/roora would be to take away an income. And then we have others who believe that it is a significant part of strengthening relations between in-laws and therefore, cannot be erased.
I know we could never agree on what is right or wrong so I want us to talk about lobola and what it stands for, then maybe we will be in a better mindset to let it go or pass it on to future generations with pride, yes?
What is being preached from, what I would like to believe, the West to the rest of the world is that the practice of paying bride price results in a lot of negative outcomes, like the wife becoming the property not only of her husband but also of his extended family.
As a child, I used to watch my uncle’s wives and the labour they had at family gatherings and I would wonder what they ever did for everybody to ill-treat them by burdening them with all sorts of chores.
I am talking of cooking, cleaning, laundry, garden work, town errands; you name it plus constant criticism around the clock. We would wake up and find them busy, spend the whole day listening to everybody howling their names for even the most trivial of things like to bring a glass of water for Aunty Dora who is the second cousin to your husband’s dead uncle whose mother is his great grandfather’s second wife. I did not even know where they slept because I never saw them go to bed.
Would it be any different if my uncles had chosen not to pay the bride price? Maybe not, but I have brothers who have taken white wives and did not have to pay lobola/roora. Their wives are not bothered to know extended family and will literally select what they can do at gatherings and leave the rest.
My question is if something (cash or cattle) was paid towards them being a wife, would they feel obliged to behave like the African makotis? Come to think of it, maybe lobola was created to almost force a girl to be interested in her new family, thus becoming part of them.
Have you also noticed how people with ‘liberal’ cultures where bride price is non-existent, divorce like it is nothing? Lobola/roora is low-key making our people think long and hard before just walking out of their marriages because a promise symbolised by cattle and/or cash was not only made between two individuals but between two clans.
Back to my uncle’s wives, talking to them now about their hectic daughter in-law duties, I do not get any sense of resentment from them at all. If anything, they are proud of their husbands who made them respectable women by paying for their lobola in full and of themselves for how diligently they have carried out their roles.
They even want me to follow their example and do likewise when I enter the gates of no return. Well, I can only hope that my future in-laws take it easy on me.
I love social media, Twitter to be precise because I feel like people get to express their views on a more intellectual tip on topics like politics, the economy, and social issues like poverty and gender equality.
I came across a tweet that said lobola had become a ‘hindrance to marriage instead of a unification of two families’.
Some families will ask a woman what her man can afford to pay but usually a woman has little to no say when it comes to setting the bride price. A lot of this back and forth banter on abolishing lobola has emanated from people witnessing the exorbitant amounts of money families want in the name of lobola/roora.
I asked a friend of mine how much her family had charged and she told me US$20 000. My jaw dropped. My journalistic or is it frugal tendencies came alive and I had to ask for a breakdown and she told me how her parents had given birth to her, raised her and taken her through medical school.
Correct me if I am wrong for asking, but why is a man repaying his wife’s parents for being her parents? What it then means to young men is that they have to be in the “illuminate” in order to get a wife. Who would not be put off by being sucked dry because they fell in love?
I believe that lobola was created as a process of introducing the family members from each side to each other and as part of the process, a token was presented to the bride’s family to symbolise commitment, love, respect and general ubuntu.
So the token could be modest, say a goat, and the objective of the process, which is to dignify the union, would still be met.
Ironically, African women who have been raised under African customs but are said to be objectified by the concept of lobola/roora actually want it to be done. The difference between a marriage and just cohabiting to us black girls is that in the former, a man paid his respects to your father and your family thus your relationship has their blessings, and with the latter…just nothing. We do not want to just slide into a new home without that process having taken place because we understand its real purpose.
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