Upholding relationships during and after lockdown

Dr Torerayi Moyo, has said. In an interview, Dr Moyo congratulated the 2025 O Level candidates and their teachers for achieving a historic 35,26 percent pass rate, an improvement from 33,19 percent recorded in 2024.

Dr Mazvita Machinga Correspondent
The stress of the coronavirus pandemic is affecting beyond physical and mental well-being. Family and couple relations are also being impacted. Some people are not at their best emotionally during the lockdown and this is affecting their relations.

Faced with COVID-19 reality, family daily routines have been shattered, structure has suddenly been dissolved. Lockdowns and the call for social distancing have been causing families and couples to spend more time together than ever before. While time together has strengthened some families, others have been struggling and going through difficulties as couples.

Ever since the lockdown in Zimbabwe, I have received several calls and referrals where bad things are happening within families and people need counselling. Remember, it is normal to have increased stress during this moment, but it is important for families and couples to take necessary measures to keep relationships intact.

I have realised that as families are at home, stuck in one place and having nowhere to go out or run away, there is a great chance of getting on each other’s nerves. Some children have attempted suicide, partners have hurt each other verbally and physically. This article is meant to assist families and couple relationships to come out stronger after the lockdown and the social distancing periods.

For couples, I want you to be aware of Gottman’s four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, namely criticism, stonewalling, contempt and defensiveness. It is hard for a couple or family to be confined home for 24/7 while having these four existing. These four can be very destructive and can lead to problems and conflict in relationships.

While disagreements are common and normal in couple relationships, they must be handled positively. While couple relationships experience some of these, healthy relationships do not use these four horsemen nearly as often, instead, healthy relationships repair them immediately when these are used. The following are some tips for healthy relating as couples:

a) Be friends and build your connection as a couple — Learn safer and more effective ways to talk about your differences. Criticising and putting each other down will only hurt your relationship. In case of disagreement or when arguments erupt, don’t take it personally, seek to understand more.
b) As couples you are better at repairing any negative arguments when you basically feel close, connected and intimate to each other than when you do. Learn to identify the signs that you or your spouse is starting to feel emotionally overwhelmed and to agree to take a break. If the problem still needs to be discussed, then pick it up when you are calmer at an appropriate time.
c) Listening to each other and showing understanding — You need to listen without judgment or dismissal. During this time, we feel scared and stressed, we need to have time for calm and to listen to other people’s feelings.
d) Quickly establish clear divisions of labour in the household and areas you work together. Allocate tasks between couples and children and where possible help each other.
e) Family members should try to be flexible and be prepared to take on different chores and tasks than prior to lockdown. These should be discussed so the plans feel fair and then reviewed after a few days to see if they are working.
f) Quarantine in quarantine — As individuals we all have different needs, thus, the need to accommodate each other by giving each other space. Couples do well when there’s a healthy balance between together time and lone time. It’s important to physically remove yourself from your partner for an hour or so doing chores, yard work, etc. When your partner requests a similar break, honour it. You can do the tasks together again.
g) Couples set up a routine for yourself and your family, this can restore normalcy in family
h) Take things one day at a time while simultaneously creating short-term plans with your spouse. Do something that is fun, relaxing and meaningful to you daily.
i) Put your heads together and brainstorm ways to take care of the essentials such as wills and inheritance.
j) This is stressful time, so we all have a responsibility to manage our behaviours. Remember no one is perfect. Turn this crisis into an opportunity to grow and strengthen your relationship.
k) Stop attacking your partners, instead name the problems that need attention and work together on doing things differently. You can arrange seeing a marriage therapist if need be.
m) Practise kindness to each other. People respond to this shifting situation in unique ways so hold yourself in check and be concerned about what is going on with your partner. When you feel like shouting, criticising, stone walling or looking down upon each other, take a deep breath and a step back.
n) Make the most of your spiritual resources for hope and strengths, e.g. Bible studies and prayers.

Dr Mazvita Machinga is a qualified psychotherapist and marriage therapist based in Mutare, an endowed chair holder and a lecturer at Africa University. She offers psychotherapy and counselling in the community as part of outreach activities. She can be contacted at [email protected]