Ups and downs of relationships

Dear Coleen

Five months ago I got caught having an affair with a friend of my husband’s.

The affair was very short, only lasting a few months, but I fell completely in love with him.

My husband and I have been trying to make a go of things and, for the most part are happy, but I can’t stop thinking about my ex.

He hasn’t contacted me since the day the affair was discovered — not a phone call, not a text, nothing.

And I can’t help thinking “If only”.

Do you think I should get on with trying to repair things with my husband and forget the ex? I think about him constantly.

Coleen says

I think you’re dwelling on the romantic notion of what could have been and possibly also missing the excitement of the affair.

But I’m assuming your husband wanted to work at saving your marriage and you chose to stay with him.

However, I don’t think you’ll make any real progress — or stop thinking about the ex — until you have a frank discussion with your husband about why you felt you needed to cheat and what was missing.

Right now it sounds like you’re vulnerable to having another affair. Then you need to talk about what each of you can do to put that excitement back.

You can’t sweep what happened under carpet because it will rear its head again at some point.

Something is clearly still not right for you, so be honest with yourself about what it is. It might simply be a case of needing more time to get your head round what happened.

The reason your ex hasn’t been in touch is because he knows you’re back with your hubby and assumes he’s doing the right thing by both of you.

Dear Coleen

I’m in such a mess. Four months ago I left my boyfriend of three years because he was getting violent with me.

After seeing a few rubbish guys, I went to a friend’s party and met someone who seemed great. After dating for a few weeks, we were in bed together and he mentioned he thought I should lose some weight.

I used to have issues with my weight and was bullied at school for being a size 18 in year 10. I lost the pounds and I’m now a healthy size 14.

When I’m out, I get hit on all the time. I’ve even been asked my phone number waiting at the traffic lights! My girlfriends all comment on how they’d love an hourglass figure like mine and I have a backside to rival Kim Kardashian.

So it really upset me when he made those comments and I ended up texting my ex. He’s been to counselling over his violence and is having regular contact with his GP. He says he still loves me and wants me back.

I’m totally confused. I know my ex has issues but that doesn’t excuse violence. I don’t think I could ever really get over that, but I do miss him and the way he used to idolise me. I’m not sure if I should end things with my new boyfriend either. Before he commented on my weight, things were going really well and I wasn’t thinking about my ex at all.

I know my boyfriend finds me attractive regardless of his comments. When we met he said I am a classic beauty and that he likes curvy girls. He knows the comments upset me and he did say he thinks I’m sexy, he just thinks I’d look even better slimmer.

But I’ve struggled to get to where I am, so why should I lose weight for a man? It has brought back all my insecurities.

My ex always loved my body, and he wants to meet up. What do I do?

Coleen says

Naturally, weight is a sensitive issue because of those past demons. Good on you for doing something about it.

I don’t think you should let anyone make you feel rubbish about yourself. Tell him you found it hurtful and remind him that he fancied you the way you are. Don’t try to change yourself — you’re happy with who you are and the way you look.

Be confident.

As far as the ex goes, you would be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Someone who idolises you doesn’t abuse you.

This comment from your boyfriend was probably just a silly off-the-cuff remark and I’m sure he didn’t expect you to react like this.

But make it clear to him that if he’s not happy, he’s free to find someone else because you know you won’t have a problem finding another boyfriend.

And if you do decide to lose more weight, it’ll be because you want to, not because it’s what he wants.

You sound like a confident girl — don’t let another man knock that out of you. If it doesn’t work out with this guy, there are plenty more fish in the sea.