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Laina Makuzha, LOVE by DESIGN
In romantic relationships and marriages, each partner deserves to be safe and respected and there’s a basic and normal need for connection and intimacy. However, in that quest for closeness, we often overlook a crucial aspect that can make or break our partnerships, namely: boundaries.
There are countless definitions, but I see boundaries as pointers that help us determine what is and is not okay in a relationship — whether that is with family, friends, partners, co-workers, or superiors in a work environment.
Ideally, boundaries help shape healthier relationships. We put them in place to protect our well-being and to create rapport.
They help us to build trust, safety and respect in relationships. Common boundaries include emotional, physical, sexual, intellectual and financial; they can apply to any aspect of your life where you feel they are needed.
Ready to start setting boundaries? It requires a certain amount of self-awareness and reflection.
How can you and your partner know each other’s boundaries? By talking about them! I’ve often heard individuals say in frustration: “I’m not a mind reader”. Indeed, communication is key in a healthy relationship, and boundaries are an important part of an ongoing conversation between you and your partner.
The “Love Is Respect” blog says this about boundaries: “Even though we talk about them to other people, in some ways boundaries are really about your relationship with yourself; they help you honour your needs, goals, feelings and values as opposed to allowing your needs to be dismissed or overridden.
Boundaries can be emotional, physical, or even digital. How many of the examples of personal boundaries below resonate with you?
- I want to spend time with my friends/family without you on weekends
- I need quiet time to myself every day
- I’m cool with following each other on social media, but not sharing passwords
- I’m comfortable holding hands, but not in public.
- I’m okay with regularly texting, but I don’t want to text multiple times in an hour
Boundaries are a way to indicate to others what we are comfortable with and what we are not comfortable with. I wouldn’t call them ground rules, though some see them as such.
In relationships, some couples find it helpful to set boundaries from the get-go, so that each partner knows what the other expects. If you are someone who struggles with communicating your boundaries, it might be worthwhile to realise how vital it is to be aware of what is impacting you.
Experts recommend that before setting a boundary, one should take time to reflect on needs, struggles, triggers and how it’s affecting your relationship.
Say you’ve met someone new and a relationship is shaping up and your new prospect calls you late hours of the night, which interferes with your time to rest and it doesn’t augur well with you.
An example of setting a boundary might be communicating to your partner that you are offline during certain hours for good reasons. Self-awareness will give you a clear idea of what boundaries need to be drawn so that when you communicate them, you are clear and kind. Some believe in being cruel to be kind which can mean different things to different people.
Okay, so here’s the thing, it won’t be possible to think of and mention all boundaries in one conversation. loveisrespect.org says: “Talking about boundaries can happen whenever, wherever! If your partner does something that you like or doesn’t like, let them know. A simple, “Hey, I like it when you…” or “I’m not comfortable when we…” let them know what’s up.
In a healthy relationship, partners respect each other’s boundaries once they’ve been communicated. And if you’re ever not clear on your partner’s boundaries, just ask! Questions like “Is this okay?” or “Are you cool with this?” can help jumpstart the conversation. Just remember: if you don’t want to talk about your boundaries with your partner because you’re afraid they’ll react with anger or violence, that’s a warning sign that your relationship might be unhealthy or abusive.
How do you know if a boundary is healthy . . . or not? It’s important to recognise that healthy boundaries help to protect and respect you; an unhealthy boundary seeks to control or harm someone else.
A healthy boundary would be: “I need space to hang out with my friends and do things I enjoy on my own.” But if your partner says, “I need you to stop talking to other guys/girls because you might cheat/I get jealous,” that’s not a healthy boundary; it’s a warning sign that your partner may have some trust issues and is trying to control who you hang out with.
Boundaries are the unsung heroes of romantic relationships and marriages. By establishing and respecting each other’s boundaries, we create a safe, supportive environment where love, trust, and intimacy can thrive. Remember, boundaries are not limitations; they’re liberations.
I would love to hear from you! Share your thoughts, views, and experiences with boundaries in your relationships.
WhatsApp at 0719102572 or email at [email protected]. Let’s continue the conversation and explore the power of boundaries together
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