Wife hates my family

Mudzimba
Dr Chisamba

DEAR Amai, I hope I find you well.

I am a 29-year-old married man and father of one. My spouse is the same age as myself.

We are generally a happy couple but now I am getting a bit concerned about my wife’s behaviour towards my family that resides at our rural home.

Each time we visit my home, she complains that she does not sleep well, she has strange dreams and in each of these dreams, she sees my mother doing scary things.

The last time we went there, she fell sick and we had to return to Harare prematurely.

As soon as we arrived back, she was fine and did not even go for a check-up. After this incident, I decided to make these visits alone.

This Christmas, my two brothers who reside abroad are coming with their families, and my parents have invited all my siblings to come and celebrate together. They are going to slaughter a cow at the family reunion. Already, my wife has begun digging her heels in the sand, saying she will not be part of it. She has already made arrangements with her sisters to go to their rural home. Amai, if she goes ahead with her plans, then we part ways.

Response

Thank you so much for writing in. Your letter made my reading very sad. When two people tie the knot, they should be aware that automatically this brings two families together. Looking at your husband’s family with suspicion greatly affects relationships.

It is very unfortunate that this misunderstanding has been brought about by a mere dream.

You cannot base your suspicion on a dream; most people cannot interpret dreams correctly.

What your wife is doing is defamatory.

When she claimed to have fallen sick at your rural home, she never went to see a doctor but she fully recovered when you came back. What does that mean? From my point of view, I think it is all in her head.

Did you ever have pre-marital counselling? I advise you seek professional help so that you are reminded that marriage is a lifetime commitment that cannot be undone by silly incidents and suspicions.

Convince her that Christmas is family time and this time around, other family members are coming to see you, guys. I can clearly see that you do not plan together. Planning together is one of the core pillars of a sound marriage. Go home, join the rest of the family and enjoy the festivities. I wish you all the best.

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Parents getting on my last nerve

Amai, how are you? I am a 19-year-old man and the last born in a family of five.

I did not do well when I sat my A Level examinations, but I help my parents a lot in the day-to-day running of their businesses.

They have two shops and a service station. I am very loyal in my dealings and would wish they appreciated me more.

When I hang around with friends at work, they accuse me of handing out drinks and other items for free, even when a stock audit shows that all is in order. Therefore, I do not know what other proof they want. I am in love with a very decent girl, although she comes from a poor background. We get on very well but still they have their misgivings about her.

They say I should watch her closely because they think she is after my money. Amai, I am confused.

I really do not know what they want me to do. Should I be a loner? Please, help.

Response

Thank you for writing in. I understand where you are coming from. You are the last-born, and in most cases, family and friends continue to see you as a child.

Do not begrudge your parents; they are overprotective and do not mean to pull you down.

Now that you are a major, they need to let go.

I suggest that you have a candid talk and let them know how you feel about the whole issue. In the meantime, continue to work hard and adding value to the family business.

When time is ripe, introduce your girlfriend to them so that they can start communicating with her and get to know her on a personal level. This will help build a relationship and make them see that she may not be after your comfortable background. I wish you all the best.

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I was taken for a ride

Dear Amai. I am a lady aged 24, degreed and gainfully employed. I dated a guy for six years. We were madly in love and got married customarily.

We planned to go to South Africa together in search of greener pastures. We both tendered our resignations at our respective workplaces. When we were serving the last fortnight of our notice periods, he shocked me by saying he regretted marrying me and he did not want me to be part of his life in South Africa.

His excuse was he did not trust me anymore. I do not even know what triggered this, Amai. I withdrew my resignation and was heartbroken.

He went to South Africa and I suspect he was flirting with different women all along.

I used to see this on his social media. For more than a year, he never contacted me but I kept in touch with his family because they supported me.

Now, he wants us to reconcile. He has sent his elders to come and apologise.

My parents are saying the choice is mine. I love him but I am scared. Please, advise.

Response

Hello and thanks for writing in. They say a leopard never changes its spots. I do not advise reconciliation because of the way he left you, to begin with.

I also feel, having dated him for six years prior to marriage, you deserved more from him.

You were prepared to change your life drastically for him and he left you hanging, only to return like the prodigal son. Inform him that you have forgiven him but that he can no longer be your love interest going forward. Find someone else to love and trust, one with true qualities such as loyalty, someone who will value you constantly.

I recommend you receive relationship counselling so you can successfully turn this corner. I wish you all the best.

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