Boyfriend went quiet on me

Mudzimba

Dr Rebecca Chisamba

Unplanned pregnancies can have profound effects on individuals, relationships and communities. While it is essential for individuals to take proactive steps to prevent them, it is equally important to address the broader societal factors that contribute to this issue. This week, we republish letters that explored this matter in the past.

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Dear Amai, I am a lady aged 21. I have a serious issue that needs to be resolved. When I was 19, I dated a guy and really fell for him. We were intimate and he promised to marry me. He then went to South Africa and we communicated for a while. I was surprised when he just went quiet. I tried to get in touch with him for seven months without luck. I then gave up. Little did I know that he had lost his phone.

I then started seeing another guy in February but I was not as interested in him as I had been with my old flame. It just so happened that this guy from South Africa came back in June and started looking for me door-to-door in my old neighbourhood. He did not know that we had moved. He finally found me but I told him I was now with someone else. I told my current boyfriend what had happened and how I still loved my old flame. He was jealous and forced himself onto me in July this year. Now I feel sick and I think I am pregnant. He says he knows I am pregnant and he did it intentionally. He will never let me go. I am at risk of losing my job because I am pregnant. I am the breadwinner. I work as a househelp. I also do not want to be responsible for tarnishing my parents’ good name.

Response

Dear writer, thank you for writing in. You cannot just date someone for a few solid years before he goes to South Africa and then he does not have the slightest clue of how to contact you after his phone is stolen.

How can you just believe such a story? If he really wanted to get in touch with you, he had many options at his disposal. He could have opted for a public phone or just asked someone close to you to help him contact you. He could have even used the social media route. Why did he not try as hard as you? Seven months is a long time. After this, you fell in love with a guy you had no feelings for; again I ask why? This is not a game. You truly need to be committed because this involves emotions and you cannot play with that. You should put yourself in this guy’s shoes. How would you feel if someone did this to you? Your story sounds more like a stranger-than-fiction tale. The guy who ignored you for seven months jumped onto the scene and searched for you door-to-door? Vasikana, tipeiwo maserious.

This does not add up at all. After the South Africa guy came in June, you felt the sparks were still there, so what were you still doing with the other guy in July? You are confused! It seems you really do not know what you want. I urge you to go for a pregnancy test. Do not treat these guys like kids.

In my view, these guys do not trust you anymore because of what you told them. You knew you were a breadwinner but your priorities were upside down. Do not force yourself into a loveless marriage because it will not last a lifetime. If this new guy really raped you, he must be brought to book. Report him to the authorities.

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Lover dumped me when I fell pregnant

How are you, Amai? I went through quite an ordeal over the past couple of months. Things happened very fast. There is a man I was seeing and I got pregnant. I then told him about it. In response, he said he was not ready to be a father and suggested we abort the baby. He said he had doctor friends who could do a professional job. I refused and he dumped me instantly. I have now given birth.

Prior to this, I had asked him if he would like my family to notify him when our child was born. He flatly said no. The problem I now have is that he does not communicate or support the child. I think it is important for parents to get along for the sake of the child. Please assist.

Response

I am very well, thanks. Your letter shows that you were indeed living life in the fast lane. It is good to take your time to know someone’s intentions when you date. It is a very important process in every relationship. It is unfortunate that this getting-to-know-each-other period is abused by some, who demand sex, gifts and many other things as a sign of love. Being intimate before marriage comes with a whole lot of problems. In most cases, people end up with unplanned babies and losing the relationships. When things happen in a flash, the issue of trust comes to play as well.

There are always more questions than answers. When people indulge, they should not cry foul when they fall pregnant because that is a possible end result in most cases. I am glad you refused to be pushed into committing a crime.

In Zimbabwe, backyard abortions are criminal and one can get arrested for that. Even doctors who abuse their practice and do this for money or to please friends can also find themselves on the wrong side of the law. Well done for standing your ground. I would urge you to keep your pride. Leave this guy alone but you should go to a civil court to claim child support.

He cannot run away from this because it is the baby’s right. Do not engage him for any talks. Keep your pride by just taking the legal route. Yes, it is very noble for parents to communicate and map out a way forward for their child but how do you do it if he does not want to be bothered? You have learnt your lesson; once bitten, twice shy.

You can start on a new slate and move on. You have what it takes. This is not the end of the world. Love your baby and work extra hard to give him a comfortable life. Always pray for divine intervention.

Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com