Can I fall in love with two men?

Anne Ruthenburg Marriage Doctor
HELLO there folks, I hope you are all good. Remember Valentine’s Day is coming sooner rather than later. Men get ready! And single ladies go ahead and spoil yourself. Kikiki. Here is the question this week. . .

Dear Doc, Can I fall in love with two men at the same time? And if yes, how is it possible because both men are different? The one I am used to is about to marry me. The new love is not able to settle down now. He has just been made permanent after being on attachment, but he would love to settle down with me in a year to two. I am not a wild girl, I am about to marry my first love. I do not sleep around and as far as I knew I was okay with my relationship, until this guy came. I am getting confused. I love them both very much, but the new guy makes me happy all the time. My old guy is boring compared. Help!

Dear Reader, the answer to your question is – yes you can!

It is that simple, I promise you! I know many people are going to hate this answer, especially those who have been cheated on, but it is true and if I do not tell you, who will?

The truth is that love is a force, a power. Most people do not choose who they fall in love with. It just happens whether immediately or over time. But the choice comes into play when you decide how far you want the love to go. Like I said it is a power, a force, so initially you may not control it, but eventually other equations come into play which will affect the nature of that love. True love becomes stronger overtime, through certain important equations to you being right. Those equations could be money, friendship, security. It could also be sex or it could be that you fell pregnant. There are so many reasons given to love. But true love has no price dear, it just is. Now we are talking about love here and not lust. Lust is about the physical and sexually mainly. There is a huge difference between the two, and yes they both give off powerful emotions and make us do stupid things sometimes.

Now how do we fall in love with another person while we are still in love with someone else? Easy! These people fulfil different needs in your life. You see there are many right people in the world for you. Anyone can be the right partner for you. But there is only one perfect partner for you, the one you would call your soul-mate.

So in your messages you stated that the man you are with has been in your life for over five years since school and he is about to pay lobola. You said he treats you very well and you are best friends. But then you said you met this other guy one year ago through work and he is everything your man is not and more.

My dear, the relationship you have with your future husband now has settled into what I call the “Bliss stage”. This is where most couples start to invest so much energy into the outside world that they forget to nurture their relationship this simply means that you and your man are in a place where you are so comfortable around each other and for so long, you have lost the need or the urge to try and win each other. You have each other and you are probably acting like husband and wife anyway, you are secure and comfortable. Romance is minimal, saying I love you is minimal, he probably does not spoil you like he used to. Valentine’s Day, birthdays etc., are not that important anymore. Communication is shallow and mostly about everything but yourselves. You probably stopped making an effort to look as good as you used to because your man no longer notices or comments favourably. You spend money on joint or family things more than on yourself. The sex if you have it must be the normal lacking romance. He probably does not even say how sexy you are any more or how hot you make him feel.

Now this new guy at work, probably does what your man used to do when you first met, which is “pursue you”. He is still in the chase mode of the relationship. He needs to chase you, and he is using all his power to do so. You as a woman naturally need the attention, it is in our DNA as women; so you are loving it. He probably notices your hair, clothes, make-up etc. All this attention makes you want to look even better. He probably talks about his dreams and visions, something your man no longer speaks about. This new guy probably shows interest in all you do, and because you work together, you can discuss work in detail and you will understand the pressure. Then there is the flirting and the sex talk. He probably says everything you as a woman wants to hear.

And there is the issue my dear. You Love your first man because he is offering you security, stability, comfort and a future. But the romance is gone. You have fallen for the new man because he spoils you, offers you romance, attention, encouragement, is supportive and makes you feel beautiful like a total woman. But he cannot offer you a future currently. Love my dear draws people together, but the individuals have to make the choice. You need to decide now before your official man pays lobola, which is more important to you.

At the moment, both men are right for you, but not perfect. However, one of them can become perfect, but it is up to you. If you choose your first man, you will have to tell him that romance etc., is important to you and he has to make an effort, otherwise you will both end up having affairs in your marriage. Your new guy obviously cannot support you at this time, so if you decide he is the one – are you prepared to wait up to two more years not knowing?

This right here my dear is why men end up having affairs, or marrying two or three wives. Those men are selfishly searching for completion, and in their failure to get it, they end up hooking up with different women to try and fulfil the need. Women are different, we end up compromising and suffering the effects. Don’t go that way dear. Take some time to think on your own. Do not think from your emotions, think from your head. Weigh the options and think about where you will be with each man in the future.

Well that is it, I hope it has helped you understand. Until next week, God bless!

Wedding Doctor can be messaged/whatsapped on 0772 933 845 or email: [email protected].