adminHELLO there readers, how is December treating you. Are you feeling the excitement the end of year brings like I am? I can’t wait for the holidays, to rest and spend time with family and friends. But for now, I am enjoying reading your messages. Unfortunately, I have so many messages from readers, I am failing to get through them all, so please bare with me, I will get to your questions, it just might not be this year though…lol. This week’s question is as follows:
Hello Doc, I hve bn married for eight yrs now, I hve a problm wth my hubby, he is not faithful. He once waz in love with a certain girl from Sagambe for three yrs and they hve a child together. Don’t knw what to do im in sooo much pain, plz help me what shall l do to love him so much that l cnt leave him. Nw he is in love again wth a certain girl who once lived in Mtre, later moved to Bulawayo, but they a still seeing each other. We are blessed wth two children, a girl and a boy. l dnt knw what he sees in that girl which he doesnz see in me. Help me.
Dear Reader,
Thank you for your letter, I am so sorry that what should be abnormal (having affairs), has become the norm in this country. It disturbs me that so many people are having affairs and treating them as if they are a natural part of life. Having affairs and cheating on your so-called loved one is not the norm, it is highly abnormal and causes much emotional, intellectual and physical pain.
You obviously do not want to leave your husband. I commend you on this one. Just because there is an affair in the marriage does not mean this is the end. However, we would be foolish to think that his affairs will not affect you and the kids because they will and they are. What we have to figure out now is the way forward.
From your message, I believe your man is cheating because it is who he is and this is very difficult to change. I am a firm believer that we cannot change people (adults), but we can influence them to change. The best advice I can give you dear is if you choose to stay, you need to make sure your husband’s affairs do not affect your children. We all know that children do not do what you say, but what you do. So if they continually see their dad having affairs, they will grow up believing this is the way marriage is. Your son may do the same thing to his wife and your daughter may grow up hating men believing they are all faithless, or she may grow up believing it is okay for men to cheat on their wives or even hate you for the life they are living.
I believe that if your husband insists on having these affairs and you choose to stay with him, then it is best you make it clear to him that his affairs need to stay outside your home. It is highly unfair for him to want to act like a bachelor out there and still come home where he is supposed to be a husband, yet still act like a bachelor. He has to draw the line somewhere. Love my dear cannot be sustained if it is one way. I am afraid that your love for him is not enough to sustain the relationship, as seen by the fact that he has started having kids outside the marriage even though you have two beautiful kids between you.
My advice to you here is start living your life. You cannot be naive to believe that you are living like a married couple. Truth is dear you are the married one, he is living as a single man with benefits at home. You need to open your eyes and look beyond the love to the reality. You need to protect yourself and your kids before one of the other women take over. As far as I can see, your husband is taking advantage of the fact that he knows you love him and that you will not leave. He is also comfortable with the way you are. There is nothing in you to make him want to change. So my dear you need to give him something to think about. You need to give him something that will make him want to stay home. You want to give him something that will make him want you and you alone.
It is hard when a man cheats because it is who he is because sometimes there is no reason for it, he just has affairs. But you as a woman have the power to win him over. The same power these women have to attract him is the same power you have to keep him. After all he still comes home to you dear, so in essence you still have control.
I would suggest you start making changes on yourself that will make your man remember why he married you in the first place. You are not just the mother of his children, you are the woman he chose above all women. Remind him dear, not by words, but by changing or working on yourself. Change your look, change your fashion style, change your perfume, work on your body weight, work on your attitude, get a hobby and do not always be at home, find things to do outside the home without neglecting your kids. The point of all this dear is to get him to see you as a woman again and not as just a wife or the mother of his children.
The problem with us women is that once we get married we lose our identity and we become something even our men do not recognise.
I am not saying become a single person again, but what I am saying is that remember who you were before you became someone’s woman. Remember how you made an effort to do your hair, your face, your makeup, the effort you made to dress up.
Being a wife and a mother does not mean you have to lose your individuality. When your husband leaves the house in the morning, you need to make him wonder why you are looking so good. At the end of the day, you must make him want to come home early from where ever he is. Even when he is at his other women, he needs to be thinking about you. Change the way your house is, move things around in the house to look better. I promise you, men might not say much, but there are certain changes that will make them wonder what is going on.
And finally start living my dear. Start taking an hour a day to be by yourself, to do what you want on your own. Do those little things that you love. Eventually I promise you, your countenance will change, your speech will change, you will be happier and maybe just maybe your husband might remember what he is missing.
Good luck!
Marriage Doctor can be messaged/whatsapped on 0772 933 845 or email: [email protected].
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