Dealing with daughters-in-law

Ann Ruthenburg
HI there everyone, summer is here and judging by the recent heat, we are probably in for a hot summer, so people get ready. This week and probably the next two weeks, I am dedicating this column to mothers-in-law out there.

A couple of months ago, I dedicated space to mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law who wanted to get things off their chest that they could not address one on one with each other.

I, however, continued to get letters from mothers-in-law who were not satisfied that I had addressed the issues clearly. Someone even called and accused me of being against mothers-in-law lol — eishwena!

Let me say it this time, I was not the one addressing the issues. You the readers sent in your thoughts and all I did was put them to print with a little advice. So please don’t hate me. I am not the one! Lol.

So mothers-in-law, I have tried my best to see if I can give you advice as best as I can on how to deal with what many of you call “difficult daughters-in-law”.

Much has been said over the years about the difficult mother-in-law but what if the daughter-in-law (or son-in-law, for that matter) is the one who sets the tone of contention and friction?

If your relationship with your daughter or son-in-law is difficult and you feel like you’re trying to walk through a minefield every time you get together, you’re going to need to tread carefully.

Accepting the fact that s/he is the one your child chose to marry is important, and there are things you can do to “grease the wheels”, paving the way to a smoother sail in this tricky relationship. I must caution here, that this might not work for everyone, some people have had unhealthy pasts and they take it into their future marriage.

So sometimes the issue is psychological and your daughter or son in law may need to get professional assistance.

Respect your child’s choice. Your son loves this woman, no matter that you can’t understand what he sees in her.

Remember the old song, “When a man loves a woman . . . If she is bad, he can’t see it, She can do no wrong, Turn his back on his best friend if he put her down.”

This is absolutely true so in dealing with her, no matter what your true feelings are, you must never say a word against her to your son no matter how justified you are (Love is blind applies here).

Stay cordial at all times. She may be a clueless, crude, disrespectful, rough, unqualified gold digger. She may be vulgar and crass. She may swear like a sailor while your family is a church-going, proper group. She may actually be unkind, cruel, or a manipulative, controlling narcissist, not caring about imposing on others as long as she gets whatever she wants.

There is nothing you can do about this. Just be polite, as you would to a stranger. The only real exception to this is if you have little kids (your son has siblings who have children, perhaps) around and she’s cursing like crazy – then you might say, mildly, “Ooh – can we watch the language while the kids are here? They get into trouble for saying that word and I don’t want them to pick it up here. Thanks.”

No matter how creepy she is, stay calm, cool, poised, and polite.

Trust me you will win your son over sooner than you think.

Set your boundaries as you are comfortable. Perhaps you don’t wish to support the marriage any more than is absolutely necessary to maintain some relationship with your son. That’s your choice, absolutely. So simply set things up so that they are clear from the beginning.

If your daughter-in-law makes snide or nasty remarks about another family member (perhaps your other daughter-in-law), say, “Well, she may not have much fashion sense, but she is one of the sweetest people I know, and I love her very much.” This lets her know, in a calm, non-critical way, that you will not be interested in hearing her snipe at this person.

If she constantly calls your son when he is visiting you, this is a difficult thing. Every son has the right to visit his mother, but there are some mothers who have not cut the umbilical cord with their sons.

The son is constantly visiting his mother without his wife and for hours and hours. This is going to work against you in the long run.

As a mother, you need to encourage your son to visit you with his wife. It’s okay if he passes by to drop something off quickly, but when he is making an effort to visit you and stays for hours – that’s a problem.

The wife will obviously think that you are talking about her negatively.

It is not wise for either woman to feel like the man they share is taking sides; and it is evil for any of the two women to try and make the other woman feel less loved by the man. So if your son does visit you without his wife constantly, you need to let him know strongly that he needs to come with her the next time her comes, or he needs to call her in front of you whilst he is there and let you speak to her on the phone. This way she cannot accuse you of trying to cause problems between her and your son.

Remember that she may be the mother of your grandchildren. She will control access to any child from the marriage.

Your best bet to retain visitation is to maintain a cordial, amicable relationship – bite your tongue if you must to remain civil.

Don’t criticise her parenting, don’t get angry if she changes plans at the last minute, leaving you out in the cold when you had planned to have the kids over for the weekend. This is one of the ways that certain people control situations by manipulating the situation.

Don’t kid yourself that you have a lot of rights: courts do not tend to side with grandparents unless the mother and/or father are declared unfit or have been arrested for a felony.

Just try as best you can to keep your relationship workable, no matter how bloody your tongue gets.

To be continued next week.

The writer can be contacted on 0772 933 845 during working hours only.