Online Reporter
Dear Tete Joyie:
I HAVE been married for 20 years now, the first 10 years were beautiful and we have three children.
My story goes like this, my hubby started cheating with different ladies and would never apologise.
I asked him why he has changed and he just answered that he did not marry me when I was still a virgin, so that is the reason he is cheating.
He is in a serious relationship with a lady, and he is renting a flat for her. He told me that he wants to make her his second wife.
I refused to be in a polygamous marriage, and he told me that he will move out to go and stay with that lady. It has been five months now since he promised to move out, but he is still coming home every night though we are now sleeping on separate beds.
The lady he wants to make a second wife has a child of her own. I have since accepted that he is leaving, but he does not want to move out. If I ask him, he says he will go in his own time.
Tete Joyie Says:
Thank you for sharing something so personal and painful. What you are going through is deeply distressing, and it is understandable to feel confused, hurt, and even stuck. You have shown incredible strength by enduring this situation and still caring for your children amidst the emotional turmoil.
Let us break this down and explore some paths forward not to tell you what to do, but to help you find clarity and reclaim your peace.
What you are facing
Betrayal and emotional neglect: His infidelity and refusal to apologise show a lack of accountability and respect.
Disrespectful justification: Blaming your past for his cheating is manipulative and unfair. Virginity is not a measure of worth or loyalty.
Polygamy without consent: You have clearly stated you don’t want a polygamous marriage, and your boundaries deserve to be respected.
Emotional limbo: He said he is leaving, but has not keeping you in a state of uncertainty and emotional strain.
Shared space, no shared life: Sleeping separately and living as strangers under one roof is emotionally exhausting.
Possible paths forward
Here are some options to consider not all may be right for you, but they can help you reflect:
1. Set clear boundaries
You have already said no to polygamy. Now, you might need to set a timeline for him to leave if he insists on pursuing that relationship.
Consider saying: “I have accepted that you are leaving. I need clarity for myself and the children. If you have not moved out by (date), I will take steps to protect my peace.”
2. Seek legal advice
If you are married under civil law or customary law, you may have rights regarding property, custody, and maintenance.
A lawyer or legal aid organisation can help you understand your options — especially if he is financially supporting another household.
3. Protect your emotional well-being
Living with someone who emotionally disregards you can take a toll. Therapy or counselling (even solo) can help you process the pain and rebuild your strength.
Support groups or trusted friends can offer a safe space to talk and feel heard.
4. Focus on your children
They are watching and learning from how you handle this. Modelling self-respect, resilience and emotional honesty will help them navigate their own relationships someday.
Make sure they feel safe and supported, even if they are confused by the situation.
5. Plan for independence
If he is not leaving, you might consider whether you want to leave emotionally or physically. This could mean finding your own space, or emotionally detaching while preparing for a new chapter.
You deserve peace
You have given 20 years of your life, raised three children, and built a home. You deserve love, respect, and peace not to be held hostage by someone else’s indecision or disrespect.
*************
Wife’s silent treatment haunts hubby
Dear Tete Joyie:
I am a married man aged 45 and a father of five kids. My wife is a loving person and makes our home a warm place. My problem is whenever she does something wrong and I talk to her about it she goes quiet. She will just say sorry, but she will give me the silent treatment for days. I have asked her why she do that, and she says it is because she does not want to answer back because of fear that she will say the wrong things in anger. She has also told me that the tone I use on her is not that of a husband. She does not understand that I am the head of the house, and that I should stamp my authority. Communication is the key to any relationship, but she keeps quiet whenever she feels like things are not going her way. Help!
Tete Joyie:
Thank you for opening up. It takes courage and humility to reflect on your relationship and seek help. What you are describing is a common challenge in many marriages: a breakdown in communication styles, especially when emotions run high. The fact that you care enough to want to fix it says a lot about your commitment to your wife and family.
Let us explore this with empathy and honesty for both of you.
Understanding her silence
Your wife’s response of going quiet may not be about disrespect or defiance. It could be:
Emotional self-protection: She fears saying something hurtful or being misunderstood.
Feeling overwhelmed: If your tone feels harsh or authoritative, she may shut down emotionally.
Past experiences: She might have learned that silence is safer than confrontation, especially if she grew up around conflict.
Her saying: “Your tone is not that of a husband” suggests she is not rejecting your role as a husband or head of the house, she is asking for gentleness, not dominance.
Rethinking “Stamping Authority”
Being the head of the house does not mean ruling with an iron fist. It means leading with love, wisdom, and emotional maturity. Authority in a healthy marriage looks like:
Listening before reacting
Correcting with kindness
Creating safety, not fear
Being firm but fair
If your tone feels like punishment rather than partnership, she may feel emotionally unsafe even if your intentions are good.
Building better communication
Here are some practical steps to improve how you talk and connect:
1. Use gentle starts
Instead of jumping straight into correction, try:
“Can we talk about something that’s been bothering me? I want us to understand each other better.”
2. Validate her feelings
Even if you disagree, say:
“I hear that you feel hurt when I raise my voice. That’s not what I want. I want us to feel safe talking.”
3. Agree on conflict rules
Together, set rules like:
No shouting
No walking away without saying “I need a break”
Always come back to resolve things
4. Use “I” Statements
Instead of “You did this wrong,” say:
“I felt frustrated when that happened. Can we talk about how to handle it better next time?”
5. Create safe spaces
Pick calm moments to talk not when emotions are high. Maybe over tea, or during a walk.
What you both deserve
You deserve to be heard and respected. She deserves to feel safe and valued. Your children deserve to see a marriage built on love, not fear.
If you are looking for advice on the tricky situation that you find yourself in, WhatsApp 0716069196, and Tete Joyie will assist you in solving the problem. Remember, all those who write in remain anonymous.
