adminRosenthal Mutakati Ghetto Blast
THREE elderly women seized Admire’s hand and dragged the lanky fellow out of his car by the same limb demanding that he beds them or pay cash for his freedom while hurling expletives and frisking his pockets as his wife and children watched helplessly at a distance.
“Tipe mari, nhasi unotiona iwe Macharangwanda,” the women shouted before he forked out US$20.
They then turned their attention to Admire’s nine-year-old son, whom they threatened to cook for supper.
The elderly women were a menace.
After getting money to set the young soul at liberty, they then set about demanding cash from all and sundry at the funeral while singing dirty and dancing wildly.
Such is the behaviour of people called varoora and masahwira at funerals that those without cash are publicly ridiculed and end up wondering why they bothered to turn up.
Gentle reader, if no one dies, varoora and madzisahwira make no dime and as a result they do not smile.
Not that they are witches, but they are just a bunch of people who make a living out of funerals.
Most of them are so kind that they do not have the courage to even kill a fly, but the word money is sweet music to their ears that they are prepared to do anything to get it.
Should they fail to wring cash from you, these characters are quick to use blackmail.
“Manje sekuru kana musingadi kubatana nevamwe, mukafirwa kwenyu munozozvifambisa sei?” they tell you straight in the eye. I never used to believe it until the day the drama unfolded right before my eyes.
Take it from me, though funerals are sombre events where people mourn over the loss of a loved one, the story does not end there.
These gatherings have been turned into money-spinning ventures where varoora extort money from mourners under cover of tradition and lightening up the burden. But how do you lighten the burden when you are taking money away from members of the bereaved family?
Forget about the wailing and time spent by people pondering the future without the departed loved one, attending funerals is now almost a business.
No matter that they do not have money, some people cannot do without attending funerals.
It’s now almost in their blood that they spend less time at home while busy on the road to mourn the dead. If you thought this was out of love you are lost, wakasara sebhodhoro reTarino.
There is a catch to it. Money and the chance of getting new clothes from the deceased’s wardrobe. Pane ziya pane dovi, namatira ipapo sechikwekwe. Some people have developed a bond with funerals that getting married to them is parallel to entering a marriage knowing fully well that conjugal rights are not part and parcel of the package because half the time they will be away. In any case, such people know all tricks in the book to induce tears. Mahwani gumbo rehohwa!
The role of madzisahwira and varoora is traditionally recognised. The money they demand from mourners is called nzveura, which is just a token for their contribution at the funerals.
Their main business involves cooking and feeding the people. They also ensure people are given a place to sleep and where to put their belongings for the duration of the funeral. Varoora and madzisahwira act as chiefs of protocol who ensure that the programme goes according to plan and tradition.
These women use jokes to correct mistakes and put things in their proper contexts.
They also play a critical role in passing over culture from generation-to-generation through teaching young children to take after them. But the job of maintaining order at public gatherings is not rosy.
Some people are naturally clumsy and do not take kindly to being corrected.
This has resulted in some varoora and madzisahwira being attacked during the course of their duties.
Gentle reader, while it is traditionally accepted that these women be present at funeral wakes to lighten the burden and ensure everything works according to plan, some of them have commercialised their roles.
Mourners are now no longer being treated the same.
The poor are left hungry and thirsty while the rich enjoy far better services because of their ability to pay.
Naturally in this economic age where people cannot do without money, very few people are willing to spend time at places where they are not guaranteed of an opportunity to line their pockets.
This commercialisation of roles has also seen the well-heeled getting fresh bathing water at funerals everyday unlike their counterparts of the mean sort.
No crime beats being a poor man because you are treated as a doormat by almost everyone.
Zvakaoma sesokisi rehuku rinoda mvura inopisa.
Gentle reader, so many things happen at funerals nowadays.
Apart from funeral parlours that battle to outdo each other in terms of service provision, this country now has professional mourners who can be hired in their numbers depending on the depth of the bereaved family’s pocket.
Professional mourners dance and conduct burial rites for those that are not attached to any church.
These gatherings at which we express sorrow at the passing on of a loved one have also slowly been turned into fashion shows. Women are the main culprits.
They will never leave for a funeral without a dress for the occasion and a fresh hairdo.
At these funerals, some people will be showing off the latest they have in terms of hair extensions and clothes which they will be selling from the boots of their cars.
Match-makers also frequent funerals where they spot nice-looking gentlemen to marry their clients.
Men on the other side are also using funerals as venues for sex parties. They turn their cars into bedrooms whenever circumstances permit.
Some men show off their new cars to friends at funerals where they want everyone to see their financial muscle by buying people copious amounts of beer and food.
Funerals are important occasions that require respect, but the ways some people behave there leaves a lot to be desired.
Inotambika mughetto.
Online Reporter