adminQUESTION – I wondered if you could give me some advice on how to get over a situation that’s been upsetting me for years. I was in a shop last week and heard somebody on the radio talking about a similar thing, and it’s made me wonder if I can get over the hurt and how. Years ago my mother left home to have a relationship with another man, leaving me and my father and younger sister. My father took to the bottle as he couldn’t cope, and all was left to me to keep the family together. I was 14.
After four years she suddenly walked into the house expecting to be forgiven, saying that she was terribly unsettled in her head and didn’t know what she was doing.
My little sister was pleased to have her back, but me and my father found it more difficult. For my sister’s sake we made the best of it all and played happy families; but try as I do I just can’t forgive her. I don’t ask too much about what went on all those years ago as she just cries and says she can’t remember – but I don’t believe her, I think she’s just saying it for sympathy, which my sister gives her.
My main problem is that she never has EVER said sorry! She says she has forgiven herself and that we must understand and do the same but I just can’t. I do say all the right things for the sake of ease, but I can’t forgive and forget, and it’s really hard now as I just don’t want to be alone with her. I don’t want to cause a fuss but I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be most welcome.
Thank you xx.
Answer:
I’m not in the least surprised you feel this way. Your mother just leaving was a terrible thing for you all to cope with, and it sounds like the fallout from it all was dreadful. I understand very well that you would want an apology, and in my opinion you deserve that, and an explanation as well.
My advice on how to recover from what’s happened, to be able to go forward in your relationship with your mother is to talk to her – honestly. She’s hiding behind the tears and denials and she cannot be allowed to do that.
Sit with her – leaving enough time for the possible drama she may make of the conversation – and just tell her exactly what you’ve told me.
There’s a possibility that she may react badly to being cornered with this, but you must for your sake let her know how her behaviour has affected you – in as adult a fashion as you can manage.
This is about you, not your sister or you father – they must deal with this in their own way – this is about you voicing how you have been affected so that you can move on.
My hope is that she will at least listen, and even that will make you feel better. More though I hope you can make her understand, that to accept and apologise for her behaviour creates a possibility of re-establishing a relationship with you.
I do hope this goes well for you. Do get back to me if you need to talk further. I am very happy to do this privately if you wish.
My love, J xx – Online.
Online Reporter