How can I get along with daughter?

Dear Coleen
My husband’s eldest daughter, who’s 26, has spent the past five years blaming me for her parents’ divorce. She has been told on numerous occasions it was her father who pursued me and that he was going to leave her mother anyway. For weeks I received abusive phone calls at all times of the day and night.

It was pure venom – foul language and descriptions of what she’d do to me when she got hold of me. I didn’t realise at the time how this had damaged me psychologically. For four years things have been fairly quiet – my husband sees her on a regular basis and wants to keep the peace, not ‘rock the boat’ as he puts it.

I’ve advised him that walking on eggshells around her won’t do any good. Things need to move on for all our sakes, but he seems to be satisfied with the situation as it is. He goes to all the functions, birthdays, Christmas and so on, which I’m excluded from.

When I’ve asked why I’m excluded, he says it feels like he’s rubbing their noses in it. But actually I feel like it’s my nose that’s getting an almighty rubbing. Over the last few months she has been telling her father that she is ‘over it’ now and wants to meet me, which I’ve been thinking about.

However, last week my husband sent me a text saying, ‘Call me!’ and I jumped to the conclusion that she was on her way round to confront me. It shocked me that I felt this way and all I wanted to do was get out of the house and out of way. Since then I’ve felt very vulnerable and nervous again. I’m 67 and I fear for my safety, as she’s very volatile.

She’s attacked her mother, father and flung her sister across a room. I want my husband to have his father/daughter relationship, but I don’t see how I can fit in with this monster I’ve had to deal with. How can I deal with the situation?

Coleen says
If you genuinely feel scared for your safety then make sure you’re not on your own if you do meet her. Meet somewhere public like a coffee shop, so she has to control her behaviour. Don’t meet for the first time at a family party where there’s drink involved.

You sound a bit confused in your letter. You want to move on and don’t like being excluded from get-togethers, yet you’re not really willing to get to know this girl either. Maybe she does have a bad temper and she certainly behaved badly during her parent’s divorce, but she was 21 and hurting badly.

Over the years you may have built her up in your mind as this scary monster because you’ve never actually met. If you did meet her, the chances are you’d stop being afraid of her because you’d see she’s just a young woman who’s probably a bit embarrassed by her behaviour.

And maybe she has grown up over the years. Give her a chance – one chance – and then it’s up to her to prove she can behave well. Don’t go expecting anything. Start with a clean slate and see if you can move forward.

Tread carefully and slowly, and let your hubby carry on seeing her on his own so she’s reassured you’re not trying to drive a wedge between them. I hope it works, but sometimes you just have to accept that you don’t get on with everyone, family or not. – Mirror

Dear Coleen
I got married to a man in the Army six months ago and moved away from home with him – away from all my friends and family. I’m only 19 and he is 21.

At first things were great and I was loving life, then I found myself crying all the time because I felt lonely and my husband never seemed to care.

He sleeps all the time or plays video games, and never wants to do anything with me.

Whenever I try to talk about how I’m feeling, he just yells at me.

He has said a lot of hurtful things, which he’s never apologised for, and afterwards he acts like nothing happened. Recently, I told him I wanted to go home to gather my thoughts and he went mad, shouting that I wasn’t allowed to go home. I have been going to a counsellor and she is telling me to get out.

My only problem now is that I don’t know how to leave.

Do I tell him I’m going, with the fear that he’s going to explode with anger or do I just walk out and break his heart? I care about him so much, but after living with him and being treated so badly and unable to do what I want, I’m just not happy any more. I feel I will be so much happier at home with my family and friends.

Coleen says
I’m sure when you went into this marriage you were in love and had so many hopes and dreams for your future together, so I’m sorry that’s all been shattered. You’re both very young and your husband is clearly not ready for a mature relationship – he has a lot to learn. He can’t forbid you from seeing your family.

I’m with your counsellor on this.

You sound scared of his temper, so I would just go and leave a letter, explaining why you’ve gone and that you’ll call when you get there. But if you really want to tell him face to face, then ask a family member to be there with you. You sound like a lovely sensible girl, and you’re still mindful of breaking his heart, yet he doesn’t care that you’re so unhappy.

On the positive side, you’re only 19 and have no children so, if you trust your instincts and leave now, it’ll be far less of a wrench than if you soldier on for a few years and there’s a child involved.

It’s disappointing the marriage hasn’t lived up to your expectations – and maybe the separation won’t be final – but you need to leave now to make him understand that the way he’s behaving is not acceptable.

He’s trying to control you, so what’s the next step – locking the door and taking the keys? – Mirror.