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Ann Ruthenburg
Continued from last week…..
ONCE again, I am dedicating this week’s column to mother-in laws out there. Let me say at this time, I was not the one addressing the issues, you the readers sent in your thoughts and all I did was put them to print with a little advcie. So please don’t hate me . . . I am not the one! Lol.
So mother-in-laws, I have tried my best to see if I can give you advice as best as I can on how to deal with what many of you call “difficult daughter-in-laws”. Communication is important: Talk to your son or daughter.
Example : Your daughter-in-law was supposed to drop your grandkids off for a sleepover on Friday night, but didn’t show. You wait an hour and a half before finally calling your son, worried and upset, to find that their plans changed and they have called off the visit. Wisely, you wait a day, then call your son or daughter again to discuss a more suitable way to handle such an issue. Then proceed as follows:
·Mother-in-law: “John, you asked us if we’d like to take the kids last weekend. Kudzi was supposed to drop them off around 5pm on Friday night and pick them up at noon on Sunday. Instead, Kudzi was a no-show on Friday, and when they hadn’t arrived by 6.30pm, we were worried.
·John (your son) responds: “Mom, I’m sorry. I thought Kudzi was calling you and she thought I was calling you, and it just got lost in the shuffle – we were so busy, and when the plans changed, it was kind of last-minute, so I am sorry for that.”
·Your mother-in-law: “I get that this time was a mix-up, but it has happened before, and the thing is, it seems Kudzi never really ends up calling us when plans change – what end up happening is that I call you to find out what is going on. This is very inconsiderate, John, and you know that. Dad and I have our lives, too, and we are busy, too. We cleared our schedule last weekend so that the kids could come and stay, and dad turned down an invitation to go fishing with friends. In the future, I would like you to call at least a day ahead if plans change – but definitely, I would like you to be the one to handle it, rather than trusting that Kudzi will call. I don’t want to be the nasty mother-in-law, causing problems with your wife. So can we agree that in the future, if plans change and you are backing out, you will call, not Kudzi?”
Accept the reality of the situation.
If your son has children with this woman, no matter what you think of her, the children need their mother. Instead, just come to terms with this: she may not be the daughter-in-law you dreamed of, but she is the daughter-in-law that you have. Choose to have whatever relationship possible with her, for the sake of keeping contact with your son and grandchildren.
Go with the flow
Learn How to Be Laid Back. There is no payoff in constantly complaining to your son about her. If you have expressed your feelings, made your boundaries clear, and asked your son to intervene, all with little to no positive outcome, then just go with the flow. And never say anything critical or nasty about her to your grandchildren – she is their mother, and no matter how much you may wish it were otherwise, Mom always trumps Grandma, at least until the kids are mature enough to see their mother for the difficult, confusing, narcissistic person she is. Just try to get along for the sake of the kids, so that you can be an influence for stability and compassion in their lives, and hopefully thereby mitigate some of the damage she is doing to them.
No appreciation of your family tradition or culture
It is amazing how life has continued to evolve but many traditions have not. This inevitably has caused tremendous anguish among families especially around weddings, births and deaths. And it is said that the daughter-in-law usually is the one who draws the man towards or away from his family beliefs. The truth is that very few couples these days marry in the same traditions or cultures. Many young people grow up in the cities where following some traditions does not work. So in time traditions are watered down and eventually forgotten. Finally, one thing everyone must realise is that when strangers come together it is natural that there will be friction. Expecting that the other party fits into your ways, culture, tradition and so forth is not realistic. . Life is too short to fight and tear each other apart.
Learn from the mistakes of other families, who chose to take the selfish route and thus destroyed what could have been a beautiful uniting of two families. The fights are not worth it, it’s to high a price for any of you pay in the end.
Hope this helps, until next week God bless.
The writer can be contacted on 0772 933 845 (Whatsapp or message).
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