Online Reporter
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 40-year-old woman and my husband is 46. We are both gainfully employed and proud parents of two beautiful children, a boy and a girl.
When I married my husband, he already had a daughter from a previous relationship. I loved and raised her as my own; in fact, many people believe she is my biological daughter.
Now that she is grown, she plans to marry in the next two months. However, she is demanding that the ceremony be held either at her biological mother’s home or at a neutral venue.
To complicate matters, her biological mother is married, and her spouse does not want her to come to our home.
Meanwhile, my husband has firmly ruled out both the neutral venue and the mother’s home. I feel she is complicating things unnecessarily and, frankly, I no longer want to be part of her lobola plans. Please help.
Response
I am very well and thank you for reaching out to me. Well done for raising your stepdaughter with such a good heart and pure intentions.
I honestly do not understand why everyone is playing hardball. Lobola is a traditional ceremony that must be held at the bride’s family home; there should be no two ways about it. Culturally, there is nothing like a neutral venue.
People should not listen to the bride because tradition dictates the father gives her away to the groom.
He is required to do so from his home. The groom’s relatives may also sense if something is amiss. Have a very candid meeting with the family elders and tell your stepdaughter that she should comply or go it alone. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Workmate gave
my wife flowers
I am a married man and a father of one. My wife and I have been married for five years.
Generally, we get along well. She works as a secretary at a private company, but I am concerned that the group of friends she keeps at work is very toxic.
My wife is well aware of our financial situation, yet when she is with her colleagues, she “plays big” and acts as if we have no constraints.
For years, I have told her that I do not believe in Valentine’s Day and do not want to participate in it. Every year, this causes conflict and I am becoming fed up.
This year, we had a major fallout because she brought home a bouquet of flowers, claiming they were a gift from a work friend. I took the flowers and threw them into the bin. She tried to explain, but I refused to listen.
What was the meaning of such a gesture? I have told her that if this nonsense continues, I will either stop her from working or send her packing. Please advise.
Response
Hello, thank you very much for your letter. I am glad that even though you are angry you reached out for help. I may be wrong, but I think you are overreacting and your wife is equally stubborn.
Marriage is a lifetime commitment; as a couple, you do not seem to understand this. You cannot contemplate dissolving a marriage over Valentine’s Day flowers.
You may be justified in wanting to know where the flowers came from, but you refused to listen to her when she tried to explain. Your problem is you lack communication; you need to do better.
Both of you need to go for professional counselling to learn to communicate better. You must also strike a compromise and set boundaries for each other.
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I want to go for
DNA testing
Makadii Amai? I am a 26-year-old man and I am deeply in love with my wife, who is aged 24. We eloped when she was three months’ pregnant with our child.
Before we started our relationship, she was involved with another man from our neighbourhood — a fact well-known to many of my family members.
We are now blessed with a baby boy, who is a few months old. However, Amai, the child has a striking resemblance to her former boyfriend. While my wife insists the child is mine, his appearance tells a different story.
My elder brother has suggested that we go for DNA testing if I remain unsettled. I am at a crossroads and do not know what to do. Please help.
Response
I am very well and thanks for asking. Congratulations on the birth of your child. It is not healthy to remain unsettled.
You need to be genuinely happy and fully embrace your son, especially after your wife’s assurance. Marriage is about trust. At times people look alike even when they are not related. I would like to side with your big brother that, if you are unsettled, go for DNA testing.
Do not rush it and do not go for it because of other people.
Think deeply about how you will process the results. Remember, there are only two outcomes — positive or negative. Be prepared for anything.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
Tinaye Agere