adminHIE there everyone, the heat is something else, but we need it right? It is all about bringing in the rain, so we shall put up with it another week or two. Hope you are all well.
This week I am answering a few messages I received over the year from people complaining about spouses who believe they are right. So I decided to help level the playing field a little.
So let us see, people, if we can learn to fight a fair game because any other fighting causes pain and untold hurt in future, which inevitably leads us to relationship break-up and divorces. Now please take note, when I say “fight” I am not talking physical punch-ups, I am talking about tense discussions.
At no time must anyone think that punching each other is okay. If this is happening in your relationship, the abused partner needs to get out and get help. The abuser needs to get counselling. I am talking here about words.
Okay, here we go . . . I always say do not waste a good fight by not learning from it.
Separate the person from the issue — the most successful couples know how to separate the issue from the person. Every fight starts with an issue, so you have to keep the issue to the point. Stop making the issue the persons. But having said that, if the person is causing the issue, then the person needs to own it and deal with it without making excuses.
Don’t hit below the belt — women are good at this, but I have met one or two men who can do this and successfully, which is not okay. Everyone has vulnerable areas. Don’t use your confidential knowledge of your partner’s weaknesses and sensitivities to hurt him/her.
Don’t label – Avoid telling your spouse that he/she is neurotic, depressing or a bore. Rather, try, “I’m tense inside, honey, because you seem moody and depressed. I’d like us to talk about it.”
Grant equal time — Agree that no resolution of an issue can be presumed until each partner has had the chance to express his/her feelings, ideas, and information. No matter how right you are, your partner also has a right to feel like they too are right.
Feedback and clarification. If the fight is emotional and heated, slow it down by starting a “feedback loop.” One technique is to paraphrase back to your spouse what your heard. For example, “Honey, what I hear you saying is that I’m boring you because I have no outside interest. Is that right?” The other then responds by either confirming the accuracy of your statement or clarifying it.
Words not to say — “Chill out”, “Relax”, “you always”,
Gain new understanding. Extract enough new information and insight from a fight to permit growth. Don’t waste a good fight by not learning from it.
Judge and Jury – Please do not ever try and bring other people into the issue who are not there. Women are good at doing this. Saying to the other partner “even Susan says you do this” is wrong, Susan needs to say it directly to your partner, since she is not there, you need to keep her name out of it.
Implement changes — Follow anger with a fair, firm, clear request for a change or improvement in whatever brought on the fight. Each partner must be clear as to what he/she agrees to modify or improve. Be specific and realistic.
For example, it would be agreed that whenever the husband seemed tense, the wife would encourage him to tell her about it, instead of their old pattern of both keeping silent. Let me tell you, people, if you do not close the door to a fight or end it properly, it will raise it’s ugly head again in the future from one of the partners, I promise you.
Develop humour — Humour goes a long way towards promoting healing. I am not particularly good at this, unfortunately, but my ex used to be really good with this. He would wait till there is some form of peace, then make a small joke about something I said or he said, which would make us both laugh. I am not talking about partners who act silly and then do more damage when there is still hurt. I’m talking about when all is over and done, people have apologised and hugged and kissed, then maybe an hour later someone can say something like “so, babe, were you really going to hit me with the broom there, cause next time I need to be prepared with a dust pan to defend myself hey”?
Anastasia can be messaged on 0772 933 845.
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