Mother-in-law is in competition with me

Mudzimba
Dr Chisamba

DEAR Amai, I hope my letter finds you well. I am a mother of three and I get on well with my spouse. My mother-in-law, on the other hand, is quite troublesome. Recently, my husband went on a business trip to South Africa and he asked me what I would want him to bring me upon his return.

I told him I would prefer a formal suit and I gave him my preferred size. My mother-in-law, not wanting to be left out, ordered the same. When the outfits came, she opted for mine, even though she had been told it was not hers. After wearing it twice, she asked me to exchange mine with hers because it is too tight. I told her this would not be possible as I had already taken mine to my tailor for adjustments. I also reminded her that she took what was not hers, to begin with. Her daughters think I am being mean. Things have been blown out of proportion. My husband is quiet about the matter. How best can we resolve things?

Response

Hello writer, and thanks for writing in. Your mother-in-law’s behaviour shocks me. If anything, it is childish at best. Your husband needs to man up and call for a family meeting to settle the issue once and for all. He must state that if gifts bring so many problems, he will stop buying them entirely.

As for her daughters, try to reason with them as subtly as possible. My concern, though, is on the root cause. Why does she feel she has to compete with her own daughter-in-law? Is this competition born out of jealousy or envy?

Discuss this at length. At the end of the day, you are one family and are all playing for the same team. Surely, missing the bigger picture, that you are fortunate enough to have the resources and possessions to squabble over, is sad. I wish you all the best.

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I live in a pigsty

Hello Amai. I am married to a very lazy and untidy woman. As a result, the kids and I are suffering. The house is always covered in filth and she barely helps. The helper is overwhelmed and my spouse is never bothered.

When I try to intervene and give the helper direction on what to do, she gets upset and says I must not be involved in women’s affairs. We are subjected to terrible meals as the helper is not a good cook and my wife is not bothered.

She, instead, focuses on her nails and expensive weaves. It is a waste of food provisions. I even take my own formal shirts to dry cleaners because she has no time for them. What do you make of this?

Response

Hello dear writer. Thanks for writing in. I got a sense that you were distancing yourself from this equation. As a family unit, things are not looking good. You need to communicate with your spouse. Let her know the current state of affairs and how you would want things to improve in terms of laundry, cooking et cetera. She can take classes for these things.

You may even include the helper in those classes. Create a sense of urgency and point out that this is no way to live. As for her expensive tastes, do you want her to stay on budget or you think it is unnecessary expenditure? Y

ou need to express yourself to resolve this matter. I get that you are frustrated. However, only by acting on that frustration will you make a difference. Stay cool, stay focused and turn the pigsty into a palace. I would be happy to hear from you soon.

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Fiancée left for the UK

I am a 25-year-old man and my fiancée left for the United Kingdom. This was after we had dated for three solid years and had agreed on getting married traditionally in May this year.

She was impatient and felt she needed to act on opportunities that had arisen in the care work sector. She had a good job here. I had told her this would strain us, as I had no plans to relocate. I am heartbroken and left questioning many things. Her tete, who is based here, wants us to continue as if nothing happened. My family is divided over this. What is your take on it?

Response

I know the heartbreak will get better with time. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. It has many binding rules. You cannot simply opt out. You have started on a very bad footing. You had plans and she bolted. That in itself is not a good sign.

 You also saw it differently when it came to the merits of going to the UK or staying here.

These differences are large and the concerning bit is that you did not want to compromise on either. I do not think committing in the absence of your fiancé is a wise idea. Furthermore, long distance has its own challenges that I am sure you have already faced. Do not feel rushed to get into anything as you will have to live with your own consequences. Follow your gut and thoughts. Only then will you know what to do.

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