Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Dear Amai, thank you very much for your column in The Sunday Mail; I follow it religiously. I am a mother of four beautiful children. I have been married for over 15 years.
However, my mother-in-law is quite a handful. She is obsessed with Christmas gifts.
We have spent many festive seasons together, but she behaves like a nursery schoolchild; she will never grow out of it. She is very entitled and wants to dictate what we should buy.
This year, we are going to my parents’ rural home because we were formally invited. My siblings from abroad will all be here; it is going to be a big family gathering.
My mother-in-law is talking about joining us, but even my husband is not keen because of her behaviour.
The problem is, as I write this letter, she is already at our house, saying she will only return home after Christmas. My own mother has secretly pleaded with me not to bring her. Amai, what should we do?
Response
Hello and thank you very much for following my column. In life, people get excited about different seasons. However, entitlement is one of the most frustrating traits to deal with.
Many families fail to nip this behaviour in the bud. Your spouse, children and yourself were invited to a family gathering and she was not.
Your husband should sit her down in your presence and explain this clearly.
Tell her openly and politely that she cannot simply tag along. The hosts know how many people they have invited and several factors come into play, especially accommodation, food and planned activities.
These arrangements have been in place for some time and must be respected. In such situations, you must bite the bullet and call a spade a spade. I wish you a happy reunion with your family.
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My mother is tormenting me for no reason
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 26-year-old single Zimbabwean man currently living in South Africa with my parents.
I joined them after completing my first degree.
The sad thing is that I am doing menial jobs here. I do my best to contribute towards the upkeep of the home, but it seems I can never please my own mother.
When we have general discussions at home, she ridicules me and I have since decided to keep quiet.
Every now and then, I am reminded that I will only be independent once I have my own house and family.
My paternal grandparents in Zimbabwe console me when things get tough. My father is so henpecked he only complains about my mother’s behaviour when she is away. Amai, I am very unhappy. I truly do not know what to do.
Response
Thank you very much for writing in. At 26, you should not lose hope. What I do not understand is why you preferred to go to a neighbouring country to do a menial job yet you have a degree.
It is sad that your own mother is pushing you around and verbally abusing you. You must think of plan B. You are old enough to come back home and start doing something meaningful.
Ask your grandparents back home to help you look for a job or start a money-making venture in Zimbabwe.
It does not have to be grand but start something to help you get going. Looking for your own place will only work once you start generating stable income.
Do not wallow in pity and self-doubt. Your relationship with your mother may improve if you live apart.
Absence can make the heart grow fonder. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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I got another woman pregnant
Makadii Amai? I am a 27-year-old man who acquired tertiary education and is gainfully employed. I have been dating the love of my life for the past three years. We have already made official introductions and our aim is to get married early next year.
A few months ago, during a party, I had a one-night stand and the girl is now claiming to be pregnant.
I barely know her. I misbehaved. I did not think she would even remember me, so I was shocked when she came to my apartment. She is now threatening kunditizira (eloping). I do not want to disappoint my fiancée/girlfriend. What can I do, Amai? Please help.
Response
I am very well, and thank you for enquiring. I did not expect to receive such a letter from a man of your standing. I am shocked, to say the least. A one-night stand is degrading.
You took advantage of a desperate girl and did not even care to learn her name. It is a very small world and she has somehow managed to find you. How could you do such a thing when you are preparing to get married?
My advice is simple: Come clean and tell your girlfriend the truth.
This may cost you your relationship, but it is better if she hears it from you than from someone else. There is also the issue of the pregnant girl to address.
Given the circumstances, there might be need for DNA tests after the birth of the child to verify whether the baby is yours. After that, you will truly know how best to plan. You may have made a mistake, but you now need to become responsible. Actions have consequences and I hope you will be man enough to weather the storm.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
