My husband always talks about his ex

Thanks to your site, at least it will give me a clear mind.
I have been married for seven months, my husband and I are living together. We are still to have kids.
He has two grown-up kids with his girlfriend before, (he didn’t marry the woman), and he got married twice and divorced twice as well.
Now that we are living together he always talks about his ex, not just his exes, but as well his past girlfriends.
I am the sort of person who doesn’t want to talk about my ex-boyfriend because I don’t really see a point of talking about it as it is past.
If he asks me about my ex-boyfriend that is the only time that I talk and just a brief one not to the extent that everything my ex-boyfriend did to me, but on his part he talks about his ex-girlfriend like how he used to date this ex-girlfriend, how he used to pick her up at her job place and take her to her flat, or if not, he talks about his ex-wives, how his ex-wife messed up his life.
When he talks about his ex-girlfriend he tells me that the girl reminds him so much of his ex-wife.
Come on, Dr Love, we are not kids in here, why does he always talk about his past?
What does my husband wants emphasised here? And to be honest, it does hurt me, but the problem with me is I just keep it inside of me and I started to feel upset, and questions come flying into my mind during bedtime. Sometimes I ask myself if he does respect my feelings?
Should I tell him to stop talking about all his exes? Should I remind him that he is married already?
Instead of having a little conversation all the time, we should just keep it a normal talk instead of talking about what happen to him and his exes?
I am not happy with my feelings and this doesn’t happen once, many times already, and I am fed up! Thank you for taking time reading my letter.
All the best to your, site!!!
Signed by:
Confused and hurting

Answer:
I’m sorry that your feelings are hurt.
The reason your feelings are hurt is because you are falling into what I call Excessive Personalisation. How do I know this?
When you say that you wonder if he respects your feelings, you interpret his discussion about his former wives and girlfriends as his way of purposely disrespecting you.
But could there be another interpretation for his behaviour that has NOTHING to do with you?
In other words, could he be, as most people often are, self-absorbed and just speaking out loud to himself!
So often we make the mistake of thinking that people are talking to us when they are actually just venting whatever is troubling them and doing what they need to do to get some relief from their internal emotional pressure.
He’s just venting his own pain and you just happen to be in the vicinity to hear it!
I’m betting that he’s carrying some feeling that’s unresolved regarding his exes.
Maybe he feels hurt, wronged and angry. The bottom line is we don’t keep ruminating and mentally revisiting issues and people from our past unless we’re feeling unresolved.
I could be wrong and you could have married a guy who’s mean and likes to make you jealous. But I’m not banking on that theory.
Let’s move on to your next question about whether you should TELL him to stop talking about his exes. First of all, nobody likes to be told what to do.
If you can’t tell him to button his lip, what can you do? Talk!
If you notice, you told me that you keep your feelings inside, and this habit of yours is only making your issue mushroom.
When you talk, you could go the route of telling him straight out how you’re feeling about what he’s saying.
But if you tell him that you are feeling disrespected, he’s going to feel attacked and become defensive, especially since I don’t think he means to hurt you.
If he becomes defensive, he won’t hear you at all.
I think the better approach is to focus on the fact that he doesn’t even know how you feel. I’m talking about the fact that your guy lacks what I call Partial Identification skills. This fancy term means that he hasn’t learned to put himself in another person’s emotional shoes and think before he speaks. This skill needs to be developed, and you are just the person who can help him to do it.
So, rather than tell him how you feel about what he’s saying (which won’t develop Partial Identification in him) I suggest another type of communication that will help HIM realise how you’re feeling without your having to spell it out.
This way you’ll be killing two birds with one stone: developing his Partial Identification skills and cluing him on how you feel at the same time, and all without sparking defensiveness!
To do this, you would ask a question like: “When you speak about your exes, I’m not sure how you want me to feel?”
At this point, you can check out your interpretation by saying: “Do you want me to feel hurt or disrespected?”
When you ask this question, it will wake him up to the fact that you are feeling hurt and disrespected. Then he’ll say: “Of course I don’t intend this.”
This way, he’ll realise how you’re feeling without your making him feel attacked.
Then once you’re talking, you could ask him what’s still troubling him.
Getting him to talk about the unresolved feelings will help him put the old business behind him.
Ask Dr Love Advice Column