Sundaymail Editor
AMAI, I hope I find you well. I am a 50-year-old married man and I have two adult children. I lead a normal life with my family. I have three brothers and three sisters. One of my siblings is an ordained priest. Our parents are both old and retired but still fit. The priest is causing havoc in the family. He speaks ill of other people and makes up stories about his siblings.
As I write, I am on the verge of tears because he has torn the family apart. We used to be a tight family that enjoyed each other’s company but this is no longer the case. Some no longer see eye-to-eye or even visit each other. The saddest part is that the disunity is extending to our children, and our elderly parents have not been spared either. Out of the six siblings, only three know where the problems are emanating from. How best can we help the family? Some feel the priest is honourable by virtue of his position in church, but this is not the case. I feel sorry for the church he leads. How can these innocent congregants be saved?
Response
Hello and thanks for writing in. I was left scratching my head when I read your letter, primarily because you did not provide enough information. Why does he spread falsehoods and what exactly is he saying? Why are some of you in the loop and others not? I, too, am saddened by the fact that the problem has spilled over to the children. The best way to tackle this issue is head-on. You need to have a meeting where you explain what is happening and get to the bottom of the matter. You can even engage a professional mediator. This initiative is necessary now more than ever before to avert further damage.
As for him, being a priest does not absolve him of wrongdoing. Everyone is capable of wrongdoing regardless of their title. Your brother may not even be fully aware of the power of his tongue. I feel having everyone present allows for a greater degree of transparency. It also enables everyone to be accountable for their actions. Try not to be too accusatory. Remember you want to bring the family closer, not to further tear it apart. Let it be a transformative experience for the family.
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Friend has gone cold on me
Amai, thank you for your column. I follow it every week. I am 38, married and a mother of three. I live in the same neighbourhood as my high school friend. She is married and has the same number of children. Most people think we are sisters. Our husbands and children have become friends because of us. We do a lot together just like what siblings do. However, the last two weeks have been different. My friend has become distant and reduced our conversations to one-word answers. At first, I thought she was unwell. We did not keep secrets from each other but of late she has not disclosed what is bothering her. She and her children have not been to my home for the past two weeks. Amai, I am worried because I do not know what could have caused this. Our husbands are still doing great; nothing has changed so far. How do I deal with this issue?
Response
Hello writer. Thank you for supporting this platform. I am glad it is going a long way in enriching lives. I would also like to thank you for being a good friend. Your guess at this point is as good as mine. However, her sudden dissociative traits when it comes to interacting with you could be a clue.
She could have heard something or you could have done something that upset her, with you being unaware of it. Human beings are strange creatures; we express ourselves differently when we are going through emotional doldrums. As a caring friend and someone who is concerned about the way this is affecting your once buoyant friendship, ask her what the matter is. Also state that you have seen a change in her. Why is she so withdrawn? Is there something going on at home? Once she sees that this is coming out of concern, she will most likely open up and you can address the problem together. They say a problem shared is a problem half- solved. I am glad that your husbands are still great friends. I hope you can get back on track. It appears you have a friendship that is genuine and very hard to find.
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I betrayed my wife’s trust
I am a 35-year-old married man. I have a daughter and a son. As a couple, we put aside US$1 000 for a project we considered urgent and promised each other not to touch the savings. Two months ago, my eldest brother came to our home and asked for a loan.
He said he had a consignment at the border that needed to be cleared. He promised to pay back in two weeks, saying he already had a buyer. I checked with his wife and she confirmed that the story was true. I pleaded with my spouse that we give him the project money but she put her foot down and said no to this.
She said this kind of leniency was the reason many relationships collapsed. Amai, blood is thicker than water. I gave my brother the money behind my wife’s back, hoping he would pay back. To cut a long story short, my brother did not fulfil his promise. The cat is now out of the bag and my wife is threatening to walk out on me if the money is not paid back. I have betrayed my wife’s trust. My brother and wife gambled with the money and lost everything. They had been promised that they would realise four times the amount if the deal went through. I am devastated. I do not know what to do. The project money meant the world to us. This is going to affect my marriage and children. The worst bit is that my brother is not employed; he is a hustler. Where do I start?
Response
I hate to kick you when you are down but you have yourself to blame. If you were not in agreement with your wife, you should have never agreed to this. Furthermore, you have no way of gaining your money back. The fact that your brother is unemployed must have been the first red flag.
You need to continue applying pressure on your brother to pay back the amount because it has left you in a very tight spot. They say if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. I hope you will learn from this. Beg your wife to stay. In as much as you broke her trust, you can still salvage something from this relationship.
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