Relationships red flags: When to work it out, when to walk away

Dr Mazvita Machinga
HOW are you? How are you? After celebrating love on Valentine’s Day, February 14, I hope you spent quality time with your loved ones, and that the spirit of love continues beyond this day.
As a psychotherapist and marriage officer, my aim is to ensure that couples I work with have happy and healthy relationships and uphold their vows, “till death do us apart”.
I do not support marriages that lead to divorce. It is important to recognise that divorce is not a sudden event, but a gradual process.
This highlights the need to watch for red flags and address them in any relationship, seeking help before reaching a critical point.
Most people know that maintaining a relationship, whether family or romantic, involves patience, understanding, and compromise.
However, one must question whether this includes tolerating red flags and how many are too many.
What distinguishes green flags, yellow flags, and red flags?
John Gottman, a well-known marriage therapist and researcher, has investigated these issues.
He explains how to determine if relationship problems can be resolved or are deal breakers. Tools are available to help transform red flags into green flags, strengthening your commitment to marriage.
Learning to recognise problematic behaviours in relationships, from dating to long-term commitments, is essential.
During my experience with couples, relationships should bring joy and support, but they can also cause pain and stress.
Knowing when to work on a relationship
During my work with couples, I have learnt that relationships are meant to bring joy, love, and support.
However, sometimes they can also be a source of pain, illnesses, stress and even death.
Knowing when to work on a relationship and when to walk away is important for your well-being.

Work It Out If . . .
Repair work
Communication issues — If you struggle to express your feelings or often misunderstand each other, it can be fixed through open and honest conversations. You can get skills from a marriage therapist or couple coach.
Different expectations — If you have disagreements on life goals, parenting, or finances but are willing to compromise, the relationship can grow. You can get help on conflict resolution.
Trust issues — If trust has been broken but both partners are committed to rebuilding it, counseling or honest discussions can help. Human beings falter but they can change for the better.
Conflicts and arguments — Disagreements are normal, but if they are respectful and lead to solutions, the relationship can improve. Learn how to manage conflict and differ constructively.
Lack of quality time — If both partners are willing to put in effort and prioritise each other, the connection can be restored. You need to work out the importance of spending time together and not leave your partner feeling lonely whilst you go and hang out with other people

Walk Away if . . .

Repeated abuse (Physical, sexual, emotional or verbal) — No one deserves to be hurt or harmed. If there is abuse and your life is at risk, seek help and leave immediately. Many lives have been lost and others disabled just in the name of love. Be responsible for your life and protect yourself from danger.
Constant disrespect — Respect is the foundation of any healthy relationship. When a partner constantly disrespects you, it can slowly damage your self-esteem and emotional well-being. If your partner insults, belittles, or disregards your feelings, name-calling, mocks you, or makes hurtful jokes at your expense, ignoring your needs and opinions,
Repeated public embarrassment – If your partner criticises or humiliates you in front of others, it is a clear sign of disrespect and control.
Controlling behaviour — Constantly questioning your choices, dictating what you should wear, or monitoring your activities, not allowing you to visit relatives or even go to work
Dishonesty and betrayal — Repeated lies and cheating destroy trust. If extra marital relationships continue happening, maybe you are not compatible for this relationship, seek help or walking away is best.
Fear and anxiety — If you constantly feel anxious, unhappy, or unsafe, the relationship is not healthy.
Relationships require effort, but they should never cost your safety, peace, and life. Know when to fix things and when to choose yourself. So I wish you a healthy marriage. If struggling as a couple seek professional help.
Dr Mazvita Machinga PhD, MSc, MA, is a qualified psychotherapist based in Mutare for couple therapy call 0771754519 WhatsApp 0778838410