adminI don’t know if I can spend the rest of my life with her
Dear Coleen
My girlfriend and I have been together for just over a year and although I love her, I’m not sure I love her enough to give her all the things she wants.
It’s my first serious relationship but she has two children from a previous marriage and, at 30, is six years older than I am.
When we began dating I never imagined it would last. I’d never been attracted to her before, but she asked me on a date and I said yes, probably because I was at a low point.
Now I’ve got to know her, I realise how good looking she is. But though she can make me laugh with her dry sense of humour I’ve often doubted whether I’d be happy with her for the rest of my life.
I don’t want to lead her on, especially as the kids know me and trust me. I’d hate to hurt any of them.
I had a difficult childhood and watched my mum go through many different men without ever settling down with someone special. I think that’s where my fear of commitment stems from.
My dilemma got worse recently when I had coffee with a friend I used to sleep with on a casual basis, and who has recently become single again. I thought the attraction between us had died, but she was very flirty and I found myself on the verge of tearing her clothes off and carrying her to my bedroom.
I was shocked at the strength of my lust. I’d never encountered butterflies like that before. I managed to resist temptation because I couldn’t look my girlfriend in the eye if I had cheated on her but it’s played on my mind a lot since and I don’t know what to do. Is it normal to feel like this?
Coleen says
I don’t think there’s anything abnormal about how you feel – I think you’re suddenly scared to death that at 24 you’ve found yourself in your first serious relationship with a divorcee mum of two. You’re asking yourself if it’s what you really want, and that’s fine.
Maybe you’ll want this type of commitment in the future, but it could be that it’s just not right for you now.
I think it’s good that you didn’t cheat on her – it shows maturity and respect for your girlfriend. Now, though, you have to bite the bullet and tell her you’re worried things are going too fast. Then talk it out.
Age-gap relationships can, and do, work but you have to ask yourself if it can work for you.
Of course the sexy ex coming back into the picture only highlights the predicament you’re in and, again, it’s natural to be tempted.
What you have to remember is, you might have fantastic sex with this girl, but that might be all it is. She may never make you laugh and you may never connect on anything other than sex.
Finally, don’t base your fear of commitment on your mum’s history with men – everyone is different.
Maybe she didn’t have a fear of commitment – maybe she just didn’t want it and is as happy as Larry.
My friends leave me out because I don’t have children
Dear Coleen
I’m in my early 30s and don’t have children yet – although my boyfriend and I have been trying for more than a year.
I’m sure you’ve heard it all before, but all my close friends have young children and I’m feeling left out.
It’s not just jealousy, which I do feel sometimes, but I think their attitude to me has changed. They do more stuff together and organise kids’ things without inviting me along.
I don’t think they mean to be hurtful, but what should I do?
Coleen says
I don’t think they mean it either, but now a few of them have kids, they have something in common. And first-time mums really rely on each other for support.
If I were you, I’d say, “Listen, you know I’ve been trying for a baby but I’m really happy for all of you so when you’re planning things, invite me because it upsets me more when you don’t”.
They’re probably not sure what to do for the best – they might be worried about asking you in case it upsets you or maybe they assume you don’t want to be there listening to crying kids and mum chat.
Also, if you’ve been trying for more than a year, see your GP who can refer you for tests to rule out any physical problems that may be preventing you from conceiving. Good luck.
Affair with cheating girl has ruined my perfect life
Dear Coleen
I’m 31, have my own place, a secure job and life is fantastic – well, it was until about six weeks ago.
I had been seeing a girl for a year, but she already had a boyfriend so we saw each other behind his back. It’s horrible, I know, and I’m not proud of it – but once we’d kissed the first time, I was hooked.
Then six weeks ago she ended it and I was upset, but deep down I knew it was for the best. The following week, she dumped her boyfriend too, so I thought maybe we could work things out. We’d vowed to remain friends as we have lots of mates in common.
Then last weekend, I was talking to a so-called friend about her and he had no idea she’d had a boyfriend when we were dating. He didn’t approve and a big row erupted, so I went home upset, but all this has been building up for a while.
I’ve had to tell so many lies and keep so many secrets, and it’s been eating away at me.
Right now, I just feel empty, constantly upset and I’m suffering insomnia and headaches. I have no one to turn to. I’m ashamed and embarrassed about feeling like this, but what can I do? I’m breaking down crying at the slightest thing. My ex got in contact and said she’d be there for me. A couple of days later I was having a bad day, so I asked her to come over for a chat and she just said, “no chance, I’m watching Star Wars”.
Then I found out she’s already with someone else, which was another massive punch in the guts. Please help.
Coleen says
I think it says lot about this girl that she was seeing you for a year behind her boyfriend’s back. She’s a player and a liar. And, although it’s heartbreaking, your pride is hurt and you feel embarrassed and angry, the best thing you can do now is not to let her back in your life in any way.
I don’t think she’ll help you to feel better or move on. She’s already ditched you to see Star Wars. That was more important to her.
You need to get some fighting spirit back. You have a great life. You don’t need someone like her dragging you down and spoiling it for you. Trust me, there are many women out there who would be interested in a young, successful man like yourself. Think of her dumping you as a lucky escape – you’re better than that.
What’s great is that you won’t have to lie and keep secrets any more. That’ll be a huge weight off your shoulders.
It’s very stressful conducting an affair and being dangled on a string waiting for someone to make a decision. The bottom line is, this woman was only ever there for you when it suited her.
As for your mate, a good friend can be brutally honest and he’s probably right not to feel sorry for you. I think that’s the right attitude.
The best way to move forward is to acknowledge that you shouldn’t have got involved in the first place, then learn from the experience.
I cheated with my ex and now I feel sick with guilt
Dear Coleen
I’ve been with my current girlfriend for nearly a year and everything is great. She’s gorgeous, sweet, kind and funny.
Last month I went to a friend’s wedding in the town where I grew up.
My girlfriend couldn’t make it because she had to work, so I went alone.
My ex-girlfriend, who was my first love, was there and she’d just broken up with her boyfriend.
We only split because she moved away for a new job. I was heartbroken and it took me a long time to get over her.
Anyway, she was newly single and looking gorgeous. We drank and danced all night, and I offered to walk her home. She invited me in for a cup of tea and the next thing I knew we were in bed.
It was just like old times and the sex was great, but in the morning I felt awful.
When I got home I could barely look my girlfriend in the eye and I felt sick to my stomach. She kept asking me what was wrong but I told her I was just hungover and tired.
I know I don’t still have feelings for my ex and I trust her not to say anything to anyone, so there’s no chance of my girlfriend ever finding out. But I’m sick with guilt.
Should I tell her what happened?
Coleen says
If you tell her, would you be doing so just to relieve your own guilt?
What good can come from confessing? She’ll probably never trust you again and you may even lose her.
I hate cheating – it causes so much pain. But in this case I can sort of see why you did it.
You went back to being a teenager again – you were in your own town with all the memories it holds, you met up with your first love and things happened. But in the cold light of day you realised what a stupid mistake you made.
If you had feelings for your ex – or if you were in the habit of cheating on your girlfriend – I would advise you to tell her.
But it sounds like you’ve learnt a very hard and painful lesson. So you now have to live with your punishment and that’s the sick-to-your-stomach guilt you’re feeling.
Telling your girlfriend would be selfish because you’re then putting lots of horrible feelings on to her and she’ll have to make the painful decision of whether to stay or go. Save her the pain – and keep quiet.
Online Reporter