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Jephiter Tsamwi
“Regardless of whether you were married to your child’s father or not, you still have the right to seek maintenance from the father.” This was a legally binding statement I read in one women group’s publication. At face value, the statement is not new to anyone and seems to be an obvious familiar narrative. But has anybody ever thought of tossing up the statement and look at the other side of such principalities?
With my entire mind huddled together, reading through the document from which I plucked the statement was easy, the freezing temperatures outside the corridors of Mutare’s Dangamvura households kept me indoors for the greater part of the day. This has been happening to many people for so many days.
But I had something to keep me busy as I discovered that there was more to the statement than the evident simplistic connotations that we might rationally deepen in our hearts.
Think of it from this angle; don’t you think an emphasis on such kinds of norms is tantamount to the promotion of ignorance and carelessness among women? For instance, let me put it this way, won’t such kind of beliefs sow seeds of a culture of manipulation in women in which they might resort to the idea of “if he impregnates me, I will claim maintenance after all”.
The question here is why should we put emphasis on the need to claim maintenance without putting emphasis on parental responsibility?
It is high time as a society we restore the lost dignity that we used to marvel at, where men and women respected their marriages and would work day and night, doing everything in their capacity to keep the fire burning in a marriage. Now it seems individual freedom is given priority, sacrificing the future of the children and of course the beauty of the marriage institution itself.
At a time when we are witnessing the massive mushrooming of churches, and the church being an institution that emphasises preservation of marriages, there seems to be an equally powerful force that is pulling the wagon in a completely different direction. Separation should be the last option, a painful decision that one has to take because of genuine reasons not just for the sake of doing it.
However, this seems not to be the case anymore and it’s detrimental to children’s well being.
Research has actually shown that children who grew up in a unified family with both parents providing the full material and psychological support needed will have greater mental capacity and a steady health than those who face serious challenges in their life.
There are a lot of advantages that parents award to children, just by being together as a family with a caring and supportive mother and father. I think this is a pursuit we should be chasing as a society, not the silly comfort that maintenance is the answer.
As I continued looking at the statement, I realised there is also a lot of women who need to take heed of what very few people would be willing to say out to them. To those unfortunate women who find themselves with demonic husbands who have no clue what it means to be real men, allow me to tell you that stop giving yourself unnecessary burden! Where it just doesn’t work, refrain from bothering the irresponsible “husband”. You can be a complete parent to your child. With the help of the mighty hand of the Lord, you can raise your children and take them to the highest levels of success in life without anybody called a husband by your side. Seeking maintenance is not always the solution.
Come on ladies! You can do this alone, and I mean just by yourself, and with the help of a prayer, the right people will always come to your rescue and assistance at the right time. I have seen a lot of women succeeding in doing that, and have raised children through their hardworking efforts to live and let live till they produce intelligent and powerful children who are contributing meaningfully to this country and even beyond our borders.
This is a secret I would want to share with you ladies, if you accomplish this all by yourself, this is the best way to shame irresponsible fathers. Going back to the man who after all rejected you, and turning a blind eye towards the heartbreak and suffering associated, and going back again to that same person, moving from one court to another in pursuit of maintenance is mere testimony that you are a failure in life and you cannot do anything without a man’s shoulder to lean on. But is that so my dear ladies? I personally feel this is far from reality.
Of course single parenting has many difficulties; there is no easy life anywhere. Life has always been like that and some are actually better off without a husband. Take a group of say 10 married women and listen to their worries! I promise you, you will feel sorry for them. So why do you trouble yourself over something that you can do yourself without — putting yourself under strenuous efforts that after all bear no fruit. At times women cry day and night that their child’s father is not contributing in any way to the child. However, very few would actually sit down and calculate the value of what they think they are missing?
To you ladies you need to watch out, you might be suffering for nothing. The contribution that comes through maintenance accounts to a very little percentage of what a child needs in life. There has been this corrupted judgment of reality in society that money is everything that children need.
A child needs to be loved, to be cared for, maternal and paternal guidance, spiritual guidance, psychological support, comfort, advice and a chain of other support systems if they are to succeed in life. By this it means it is not only the financial assistance that comes through maintenance that makes your child a better member of society, or the best in school.
Financial help only adds to it, it is not complete in itself.
To the men, I share with you this piece of advice I got from a friend of mine who said “The best way to love your children is to love their mother”. There are numerous reasons why there is such a belief.
Culture analysts say that of all cultural institutions that define a child’s ideology and behaviour, the family contributes more than anything else. Here I mean not the church, not the school, not the society, not the media, or the Internet.
Children learn more from their family than from anywhere. This is the reason why children from families with a lot of problems record very poor performance at school. Thus it is from the way you love your wife that they learn the best ways to treat their beloved ones in the future.
After all there is always an inspiration and beauty associated with taking good care of your children, mentoring them in the best way that makes them better people. One day, your children shall be your safety net. It is such a deplorable thing for a real man to have the woman you shared your love with pursuing you to pay maintenance to support the child you consciously fathered.
From today as men let’s shun irresponsibility and do the right thing. After all, the Bible in Proverbs tells us “He who pursues righteousness receives honour and valour”.
This is the best way to earn that honour and valour, doing the right things to your family, your children, your wife and of course your parents and those around you. Let’s be men enough by being responsible!
Jephiter Tsamwi can be contacted on 0733854681/ [email protected]
Bongani Ndlovu