adminAnn Ruthenburg Wedding Diary
HELLO there folks, I hope you are well. This week I am going straight into the message I received which goes as follows:
Hoping you are having a blessed weekend, on the Lord’s day. Thanks for your column on Financial Transparency. Could you please share with us your readers on why it is difficult for couples that have separated/divorced to reconcile?
Myself I am a testimony of a reconciled marriage, but experiencing the effects of old wounds being re-opened by my spouse and soon to be taken in-laws. At times I regret why I reconciled. I am advocating for pressing forward, but I am always being taken back to the past. I strongly believe that past is past. It is irreparable, but only to be confronted with questions on “why did you do wrong in the past?” Please let us share on the way forward.
First, my dear, well done for realising that sometimes the things that drew us apart can actually be worked through and reconciliation can occur. However, you are truly faced with the reality of life that even though a couple may reconcile, the families still carry the pain that was caused over the months and years that resulted in the marriage collapsing.
I am not sure whether the family will ever change their thoughts towards you, but you should not let that stop you from making your marriage even better than before. Your marriage probably ended the first time because of too much interference from others.
But anyway, let me try and help those of you who believe your marriage can be saved or that you can reconcile and make a go of it the second time. There are a few things you need to remember or do to make sure you do not go into the relationship again blindly.
It might surprise your relatives, but re-lighting the flame with a divorced spouse is more common than you think. Learn how to do it “right” the second time around, and make this new (old) relationship work again. First of all do not move back in together before you have sorted the following:
Do it for the right reasons. Don’t make sex the reason you are getting together, or the kids, or money considerations. You need to reconcile because you believe that the two of you were meant to be and that you were meant to spend the rest of your lives together, Anything outside this thinking may be temporal (if you reconcile for the kids, what happens when they leave home?).
Don’t bring up old grievances. If the relationship is going to work out there is plenty of time to talk about those things, hopefully in front of a trained professional.
For now, just enjoy each other. Make sure there is total healing before bringing up the past hurts. This time it is going to take maturity to accept what your partner has to say.
Date like you are strangers. Don’t be too ‘familiar’ with each other.
Be respectful, kind, considerate, and thoughtful…just like you’d be with anyone you are trying to get to know. Constantly saying to your partner ‘you know how I am’ and using that as an excuse to not treat them well is inexcusable. Would you treat a new partner like that?
Have fun. More than anything, now is the time to do the things that you never allowed yourself, while you were married. Try out new restaurants. Take in a play.
Walk in the mountains or even through town. Many marriages fail because couples don’t have much fun together. Be sure to introduce a lot of good times, laugh and laugh hard, silly moments, and just enjoy each other.
Do it alone. Friends and family etc, will always remind you of what your partner did. They may be well meaning in their advice, and it is good to note what they are saying, but if you are mature, you should know what is right and what is wrong, and you should by now know the signs, so you do not need to be constantly reminded of what the partner did.
You cannot move forward whilst looking back. Be sure to go out by yourselves, not only with your children or with friends. While it might feel more comfortable having a ‘buffer,’ when the two of you decide to ‘try again’ include time alone, in a public place, as well as in your home (without sex).
Mutually agree on when you will announce to your friends and family that you are once again “an item.” It can cause hard feelings when one of you tells everyone you know that you are “getting back together,” when that wasn’t what your ex- had in mind.
Agree when you will “make it official.”
Put sexual intercourse off for as long as possible. That is right…explore all the wonderful ways to be intimate with one another that doesn’t result in pregnancy. Focus on arousal, not orgasm, and make it last.
Get marriage counselling. It failed the first time for a reason.
I hope this helps, until next week, God bless!
Anastasia can be messaged on 0772 933 845.
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