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Laina Makuzha, LOVE by DESIGN
In a candid talk on his podcast, “Deep End with LeCrae”, Gospel artiste Lecrae Devaughn Moore once said this: “You are always going to be in a dysfunctional relationship if you do not deal with your trauma . . . always . . . ”
He was giving a testimony of his own life, how childhood traumas had impacted his adulthood and how God and his wife’s support got him back on track.
Indeed, burying pain under the carpet and hoping to just forget it all and start afresh may not be a healthy way to navigate one’s adulthood. Some of that pain rears its ugly head and can impact romantic relationships, family, and marriages.
Past traumas in general can leave an indelible mark on an individual’s life, influencing their relationships, behaviour, and overall well-being. These experiences can shape attachment styles, trust issues, and emotional regulation, affecting romantic relationships, family dynamics, and marriages.
It is with this in mind that this week we’ll explore the types of childhood traumas, their impact, and ways to address them for healthier relationships.
In the continued quest to foster strong healthy relationships and marriages, I have noted that effects of childhood trauma keep popping up as some of the causes of much suffering experienced in relationships, be they marriages, romantic relationships, or in family.
We touched on childhood traumas in the past, with a hope that there would be greater awareness, in order to address the challenges that come with it and enjoy better relationships, healthier individuals and marriages.
Have you been experiencing worrying issues with most of your relationships due to previous trauma? It is my hope that anyone still struggling with pain from childhood trauma, or still harbouring anger from it, would do well to seek professional help.
We are living in times when the family unit, though sometimes geographically apart, can connect and still have interventions with a willing individual, to resolve differences or challenges brought about by childhood trauma. In some families it becomes a cycle of brokenness from generation to generation, and there must come a point when one decides “the buck stops here”.
Some of the common childhood traumas in society include physical abuse: harm inflicted through physical force.
Sexual Abuse: Any sexual activity imposed on a child.
Emotional abuse: Verbal assaults, threats, and other forms of emotional harm.
Neglect: Failure to provide basic needs such as food, shelter, and emotional support.
Witnessing domestic violence: Observing violence between caregivers.
Bullying: Repeated aggressive behaviour by peers.
Community Violence: Exposure to violence in the community.
Natural disasters: Experiencing events like earthquakes, floods, or hurricanes.
Loss of a loved one: Sudden or violent loss of a family member or close friend
For those who relate, there is notable impact on adult relationships, which can translate to
- Defensiveness or aggression
- Difficulty with intimacy and trust
- Emotional dysregulation
- Fear of abandonment
- People-pleasing or co-dependency
- Self-sabotaging behaviours
Childhood trauma should not be used as an excuse to have reckless or unhealthy behaviour and lifestyle as there are ways to deal with it and find lasting healing. However, for some people, simply acknowledging and identifying childhood traumas is a good place to start in seeking to improve relationships:
Some ways to identify childhood trauma:
- Retrace your steps or reflect on childhood experiences and emotions
- Notice patterns in relationships or behaviours
- Ask for feedback from trusted friends, family, or therapists
- Consider journalling or writing about childhood memories
Addressing childhood trauma involves many facets, including: seeking professional help (therapy, counselling)
Finding support groups or online resources, mindfulness practices (such as prayer and meditation)
- Creative expression (art, music, writing)
- Spiritual guidance (prayer, biblical counselling)
As South African author, attorney, international consultant and minister of the gospel Dr Pearl Kupe says: “Healing from trauma requires a willingness to confront and resolve unfinished business.”
Couples should be willing to support each other through challenges, where a partner struggles with childhood trauma. The late great Dr Myles Munroe put it this way: “Healthy relationships are built on trust, intimacy, and effective communication.”
And for some Biblical guidance and support to consider for someone who does not already know this: committing one’s life and destiny as a whole to God and seeking his help is a fruitful path. He is the giver of peace, unconditional love and he defines who we are.
So whatever you might have gone through or done, it does not have to define who you are, going forward. God loves you with an unfailing love and wants the best for you. Psalm 34 v19 says : “Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivereth him out of them all”.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4: “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ . . . who comforts us in all our affliction.”
Matthew 11:28-30: “Come to me, all who labour and are heavy laden . . . I will give you rest.” I could go on!
Ultimately, by acknowledging and addressing unpleasant, dreaded childhood experiences, individuals can work towards healing and building stronger, more resilient relationships. I do believe that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Perhaps your experience is different, or you have more insights. Either way, I invite you to share your thoughts, experiences, and views on this critical topic.
Please send your input to +263719102572 (WhatsApp) [email protected]. Together, let’s create a supportive community that fosters love, understanding, empathy, and growth.
Online Reporter