Well paid civil servants must safeguard their marriages

Killing a tall person out of malice will not make shortie tall at all. Actually, it just compounds the vertically challenged’s problem whenever there’s a need to reach the ripe pawpaw at the top of a tree.

Of late, as a country, we have been outraged by the high number of divorces and murder cases within the home.

Residents of Mahatshula North were recently stunned by the revelation that 54-year-old Simon Dube had allegedly murdered his wife, Cecilia Lunga.

Prior to the alleged murder, Cecilia had been chased away from home and returned to her parents’ home in Binga. A relative, Ms Landiwe Matali said she was approached by Cecilia who revealed her husband’s abusive behaviour.

“After that incident she went back to her family in Binga but her husband followed her and brought her back to Bulawayo.

They passed by buying groceries a few days ago saying they were back together and had actually sold a cow and used the money to buy the groceries. What I do not know is whether they had sorted out their issues but killing her is a sign that all was not well. She suffered under that man,” she added.

Sniper Storm, one of our best rappers sings in Shona on Uchisekerera.

“I was attracted by your smile and laughter but now our house is like an uncomfortably hot brazier (mbawula) and you say my friends are ‘mhandu’ (enemies) and now you are shifting goalposts denying me beer and freedom which you knew I enjoyed. A lover can transform into a monster,” he chants.

Sniper has a ‘point’ as he puts it. Humans can really develop previously unknown characterics and tastes. What is important is that the partner must acknowledge the red light warning. These must never be ignored no matter how small. It does not matter how apologetic the perpetrators appear. No pricey gift, flowers, cars, intimacy or even cash can erase the abusive incident to factory settings when you first met and caught each other’s eye across the room.

Self abnegation sounds negative but it is actually a very good characteristic that must be encouraged when it comes to matters of the heart. The “short one” in a relationship is the one feeling emasculated and whenever he has the upper hand there is no problem.

But some women at times turn the tables once they start earning more than their husbands. Of late civil servants salaries have become very attractive and above the private sector of equal grade. As a result, Government workers have adopted a contemptuous attitude towards private sector employees. It is understandable since they have for a long terrible time been the butt of jokes. Any employee from domestic workers, kombi crews to MPs would peg salaries on civil servants and say I can’t earn less or equal to a nurse or teacher.

Now it is up to civil servants to keep or fight for their marriages in terms of domestic power play. It was never an issue when the man of the house as a private sector employee earned more but some women will always make it an issue once they bring more bacon to the table because they have been socialised that the man is the breadwinner.

For some weak men that can be a deal breaker.

The people, as Sniper Storm says, can actually change. Just because a rose looks better than a cabbage does not mean it makes better soup. Some beautiful women can be sour or some men can be caustic once they have financial power.

Sniper, as a man, is likely to blame women for the fallout but I had a discussion with my daughter, Nothando, as usual, since she is an only child. She made a poignant observation.

“Problem is society, especially the church. Always the husband is right yet we both have flaws.”

What really set me thinking was when she added, “from youth, girls are taught how to be potential wives” then kitchen parties advice is all about being a good wife, then after wedding you have Tuesdays and Thursdays (women’s church days) being taught how to treat and relate to your husband.”

She then asks: “But who is teaching the boys and men to be good husbands because I have a son and I’m concerned? Why does it fall on the woman? Is marriage some velocipede?”

I don’t have to say I was stunned and had no answers to those questions. But as she is an informed media persona, I am expected to be at ease as a parent knowing that she will know when to walk away should it be necessary but that is not guaranteed.

Victims are not necessarily uneducated. We all very much care about what other people think about us even those who really do not matter in our lives. But once we realise that people’s opinions of us do not pay our bills, we will be free. We must develop the ability to be disliked in order to free ourselves from the prisons of other people’s opinions, a Harare Socialite said recently.

“Han’ya nani handikendenge don’t keya” (I don’t care what people think or say).”

As we enter marriage we must know that both of us are apiarists. I have been there for 31 years, believe me it helps. There are no surprises. A gasbag is a red light unless it is natural which you can tell within the first few days but if it happens some months later then there is a story to tell – raise the eyebrow.

Men generally find it difficult to express themselves, especially frustrations. Civil servants must try and accommodate their male counterparts as men want to feel masculine and provide. Otherwise we will have lots of divorces or even suicides and murders among married civil servants. It must be noted that it is a passing phase, eventually the private sector as encouraged will start performing and pay more as nowhere in the world does government pay more than the private sector which pays taxes funding public sector operations. But killing the current tall guy will not make the short guy tall.

Even in Europe, civil servants are always on strike and that is expected but it is only under the Second Republic in Zimbabwe that employees leave the private companies for civil service because of better remuneration and conditions of service especially medical aid which is top class but low contribution and lifelong.

However, as a couple, we must always remember that once yoked together there must never be “my money but our money” and as a couple it must always be remembered that it is your employer’s policy that married couples must whenever possible be at the same station or within reasonable distance inorder to enhance marriage and families.