Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Dear Amai, I hope this message finds you well. I am 29 years old and my girlfriend is 27.
We have been dating for the past 18 months and our relationship is still strong. We intend to get married at the end of this year. For me, money is not a problem.
I bought a small car for my girlfriend so that she could be more independent. I also pay for the vehicle’s service and fuel.
However, the car is now being used as a company taxi. Her colleagues seem to think they have a right to it. One of them, a male colleague, always sits in the front seat.
I find this very difficult to accept. I raised the issue with my girlfriend, but the conversation became heated.
She suggested that if I am bothered by it, I should take the car back.
Would I be wrong if I confronted the colleague who always sits in the front and asked him to respect boundaries? Please help.
Response
I am very well, and thank you for reaching out. You are clearly in love, which is why you are buying significant gifts such as cars.
I am not pushing you into action, but personally, I believe such gifts are better reserved for a spouse. Love is about trust. You are thinking of marrying this lady in the next few months, yet it seems you still doubt her sincerity and commitment.
Sitting in the passenger seat of someone’s car does not necessarily translate into being in a relationship. Many people do that when they commute.
In my view, you have no right whatsoever to confront the man who sits in the front seat. What wrong has he done?
It seems you gave this car to her with strings attached. It is her car now, not yours. Let her use it in the way she sees fit.
Think of it this way: What would happen if you had bought her groceries instead? Would you confront the people who consumed them and demand they give them back?
My advice is: Go for premarital counselling and work on ironing out these issues of insecurities and boundaries before marriage. This will help you build a stronger foundation for your relationship. I wish you all the best.
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Hubby won’t let me own a phone
Dear Amai, I am a 36-year-old woman, married to a man aged 38, and we are blessed with two children. We attend a strict church. My husband has ruled that we should not own smartphones because, in his view, there is a lot of evil that comes from accessing the internet.
I tried to convince him that we should move with the times, but my efforts were in vain. I have since bought a smartphone that I use privately in his absence and I feel very guilty about it.
The guilt weighs heavily on me and I dread the day he may catch me red-handed. I am confused. I do not know whether to continue using it or stop.
Response
Hello writer, thank you for writing in. I sense that you are not happy with the church you attend and I wonder why you continue to hide it. A church should give you inner peace and solace, not leave you feeling isolated from the rest of the world.
I believe, as a couple, you should consider counselling to discuss the differences in opinion and preferences that are becoming more pronounced in your marriage.
Yes, there are harmful things on the internet that can be accessed through smartphones. However, there are also many benefits that come with being connected online.
Having a private phone is not giving you the joy or entertainment you are seeking, because guilt overshadows it. It is not noble to hide something from your partner — your better half. It is time to have honest conversations. I wish you well.
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Brother-in-law is a freeloader
Dear Amai, I am happily married. Additionally, I am a father of three children. We live in the same neighbourhood as tsano, my wife’s elder brother. He owes us a reasonable amount of money. As if that is not enough, he now comes to our home asking for help.
He and his wife are both gainfully employed, but he drinks excessively. We often assist them with cash for rent and many other small expenses.
His children also come over to play and eat at our place, which is becoming heavy on our pockets.
We do not know how to communicate this without offending them.
Recently, tsano’s wife sent a nasty message to my wife, complaining that her husband’s drinking problem is getting worse because we are enabling him to do this. I feel caught in between both sides. They are family and whatever I do in terms of assisting comes from a good place.
Response
Greetings dear writer. It is refreshing to hear that your marriage is a happy one. It is becoming rare. I think tsano’s wife has a valid point.
You are contributing to his drinking because you always bail him out. This can easily be avoided. Why do you keep giving him money?
We cannot say much about the kids; they are innocent in all this. Urge your wife to call for a meeting and invite another sibling as a witness.
Try your best to resolve these issues amicably. Call a spade a spade, and ask your brother-in-law to pay back what he owes. Tough love is the only way to resolve this issue.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
