Give partner phone password

Ann Ruthenburg : Marriage Doctor

THE landmark ruling made by the High Court this month on cellphone privacy in marriages,(citing Section 57(d) of the Constitution) left me confused and breathless in a negative way. Now don’t get me wrong. I am all about individual rights and privacy etc. I worked for a human rights company where we memorised as many of the human rights laws in the constitution as we could, and we recited them into the ear of every lawmaker we could when necessary. But I cannot come to terms or peace with the above ruling regardless of the reason it was brought down.

Is it not enough that the simple marriage vow of “two become one” is being threatened with termination? Maybe we should cite another Act that tells us that married couples have the right to claim half of their partners’ goods upon the demise of a marriage. So to me everything in a marriage belongs to “us” and not “me”. And that means everything you do should reflect “us” and not “me”.

Let me make it very clear to you as simply as I can. . .as long as the thing in question has no gender bias (such as Brassier, Panties, underpants, Sanitary Pads etc, you get the picture), it belongs to both of you and should be user friendly to both of you.

You can put all the passwords you want on your computer, phones, apps etc….go ahead, but you had better give the password to your partner. WHY ON THIS EARTH WOULD YOU NOT WANT YOUR PARTNER TO SEE WHAT CONVERSATIONS OR PICTURES YOU HAVE ON YOUR PHONE? What are you hiding? What are you saying and to whom? That you cannot share with your better half (male/female).

Seriously my advice is. . .you want to be single; you want to enjoy your privacy rights, you want to act single like taking your ring off your hand in public. Go ahead! But you had better then ask your spouse for a divorce. Yes, you heard me. If you are that selfish, that childish, that inconsiderate, and more over you made a vow and a promise when you got married just to trap the other person, but you knew you had no intention of following the rules. . .save your partner the pain now rather than later of yourself absorbed self.

Let me make it even clearer as a marriage counsellor. . .your cellphone and the other one you are hiding, belongs to your spouse too and as long as they need access to it, give it to them. In fact, why are you taking it into the toilet? And why are you taking it into the bath? Are you using it to take naked selfies or keep you company? I don’t know, help me out here! I do not understand and never will. Why are you not bathing with your partner, or why are you not chatting with your partner while you are sitting on the toilet and they on the bath? I am so serious, who is on the other side of that phone that you take to the toilet and bath and outside late at night? Are they so important that they occupy all your time, they even occupy the time you would have with your spouse or kids.

This cellphone thing is crazy! Couples are sleeping next to each other, but one of the partners is on the phone, with the screen facing the opposite way so that the sleeping spouse cannot see what is being messaged. How disrespectful is that? That to me is the new form of HAVING AN AFFAIR. . .sleeping in the bed physically with one partner, but having phone sex with someone else at the same time.

There is a ring on your finger and a certificate in the cupboard that says you have a legal right to that person in every way and that includes things that belong to them. Seriously Africa what are we becoming?

Church leaders need to stop being silent when it comes to the marriage union. Church leaders need to be be very strong with couples before and after marriage. Marriage is a covenant! As much as it is the coming together physically of two people, it is ultimately a spiritual thing and is governed first by spiritual laws then physical laws. So a spiritual covenant (which we in Africa know very well) is not broken by economy, nations, governments, continents or any man made laws. If you marry in one country and seal the marriage with sex (making the covenant), no matter which continent you go to and no matter what laws they have, you are still married spiritually until you renounce, dissolve and cut the covenant.

Seriously the two people in a marriage need to compromise with each other to make the marriage work, but the marriage union itself has no compromise. This is why I continually encourage couples to marry when they are older or more mature after they have experienced a bit of life as an individual. They need to get their experimental stage and seed sowing needs out before they pledge to become one with someone else.

There are foundations and pillars in a marriage (Trust, Love, Intimacy, Communication) that if broken or ignored will cause the demise of even the strongest marriage, I promise you. And TRUST is a big one. Believe me, a lack of TRUST and not a lack of LOVE is the biggest cause of marital breakdowns. Love comes in and out, and is up and down in marriages, but Trust, if lost, destabilises the union in every area. A lack of trust causes all sorts of symptoms such as suspicions, jealousy, resentment, envy, doubt, worry, fear, aggression, threats, arguments, violence, mood swings, separation and so much more. Imagine one thing (trust) in a marriage, if broken, can cause all these crazy things. And that one thing can be broken by not wanting to give your spouse access to your technology.

This is not something to debate or argue about people. I understand, if you have a business phone line, for instance if you are a CIO or detective or journalist or like me you need to protect the identity of your readers or clients. But then we should not give our partners a reason to mistrust us, and if the phone is work, it should be off after hours which is around 6/7pm. Unless you are on evening duty. My partner even answers my phone if I have it on after hours (I sometimes break my own rule), and even answers messages if I have persistent clients. That way I am protected and so is the marriage union, and people out there have to respect that.

I don’t know readers, each couple needs to find what works for them. But I tell you, if you break the rules even once, you will not be able to use that rule in your marriage again. Eventually you will not have any pillars left in your relationship to hold the marriage together. “The two become one” means just that. Get it in your system, apply it to everything you do, remind each other of it, forgive each other if you forget here and there, but live by it. You won’t go wrong I promise you.

I am not done with you all, but for this week we will leave it there. Until next week God Bless!

The Marriage Doctor can be contacted at Osprey Villa wedding venue in Penhalonga or messaged/whatsapped on 0772 933 845 or email: [email protected].