Online Reporter
Laina Makuzha
LOVE by DESIGN
This week, I have a question for all who believe in love: how hard is it to make room for love?
We have all probably seen it somewhere: The texts come fast and often. The calls are late at night. The plans are made, the future is hinted at, and it looks like, “This is it.”
Then silence. Messages go unread. Calls go unanswered. The blue ticks sit there like a verdict one did not ask for.
The one going through it is left wondering what changed. Did I say the wrong thing? Was it too much, too soon? Or was it never real to begin with? Was I being taken for a ride?
These are just some of the questions I have observed people grappling with in an ailing relationship or potential relationship.
Here’s food for thought: if someone is too busy for love, they are not ready for it. And courting someone, getting their attention, making them feel seen, only to disappear, is not only unfair, it is also borderline disrespectful. It is not “being busy.” It is being inconsiderate.
Love does not ghost
I hear remarks often thrown around to the effect that “love isn’t enough”. But I have to ask: what kind of love are we talking about here? I ask because when it is love as God loves, it is wholesome, complete with all the bells and whistles. It is all around. Holistic. Nothing missing, nothing broken.
A quick reminder (as if you need it) is how the Bible defines love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
Notice how complete such love is. Love does not disappear. It does not leave you guessing. Love does not use “I’m busy” as a shield for inconsistency, or excuse to not even try to make time. Let us be honest, if you have time to post a whole collage of fun pics on your status, tik tok videos, nuggets you heard in church etc, surely that takes more time than a greeting response to the one you claim to love? So what is holding you back? Are you really that busy or hiding behind a finger?
If it is real love, it shows up. Love is in the action. It communicates. It protects the other person from the anxiety of uncertainty.
Anything less is not love according to God’s standard. It might just be attraction, lust, convenience, or ego. And attraction without responsibility would not last the distance.
Why do some folks ghost the one they claim to love?
As it turns out, it is not always out of malice. It sometimes stems from a lack of knowledge or confusion about what love requires, which is why I do not give up researching and seeking understanding We do know men and women operate differently, and when we do not understand that, we misread each other and retreat. It becomes personal.
Alison Armstrong, in The Queen Code, explains that men and women have different “operating systems.” Men are driven by purpose and respect. When they feel controlled or inadequate, they withdraw. Women are driven by connection and emotional safety. When they feel unseen or dismissed, they go into self-protection mode.
Armstrong writes, “Men need to be admired for what they do. Women need to be cherished for who they are.”
When a man goes quiet, it is often because he feels he cannot meet the moment, so he pulls back instead of admitting it.
When a woman is left out in the cold, she fills the silence with worst-case scenarios because connection is how she knows she is safe. Neither is wrong. But both need understanding.
Saying, “I’m in a heavy season and can not give you the attention you deserve right now” is respectful. Disappearing for weeks and reappearing like nothing happened, is not cool at all.
Love according to the Queen Code is not about being perfect. It is about being honest enough to let the other person know where you stand, so they do not waste their heart waiting.
To those who keep disappearing: If you are in the habit of ghosting, going quiet, or pulling the slow fade when things get real — please stop, because there is a real person on the other end of your silence. Someone who replayed your last conversation. Someone who checked their phone one more time before bed silently longing to hear from you. Someone who started making space for you in their future because you led them on by ‘opening the door’ to communication.
When you do not respond, you are sending a message. And it says:
“You are not important enough for 30 seconds of my time.” But get this: Even a short “I’m swamped, can I get back to you next week?” takes less effort than letting someone wonder for 2 weeks.
“I care more about avoiding my discomfort than protecting your peace.” Ghosting feels easier for you in the moment. But it offloads all the anxiety, confusion, and self-doubt onto the other person.
“I only show up when it is convenient for me.” Please! That is not love. That is convenience. And people can feel the difference.
If you can not give consistent attention, do not pursue or entertain someone who is looking for consistency. If you are in a season where work, school, or personal healing needs your full focus, be upfront. The right person will not feel rejected by your honesty. They will respect you for it
I had to trim this for space, but next time we will go deeper to tackle the big one: why I say love is enough, and how we build it when the world says it is not. What is your take? Have you been on either side of this? Share your story or insights.
Feedback: Connect on Facebook: Naledi Laina Makuzha, or Whatsapp/SMS: +263719102572
