adminAnne Ruthenburg Marriage Doctor
HELLO again folks, this week we carry on with the five stages relationships go through. I hope these are helping you understand that just because your relationship does not have the romance like it used to have does not mean the love is gone. It is just a phase you have to recognise and get over. . .so let us continue this weekContinued. . .
3. The Stability Stage
Once you have learned how to fight in a way that both of you win, (power struggle stage) you move to the Stability Stage. The thrill of being in love returns and if you have completed the Power Struggle stage, it returns in an even deeper, more mature form than in the Romance Stage.
In this stage, it finally becomes very clear that you are never ever going to succeed in changing your partner and you have given up the desire to. You are OK with your partner being different from you. You both have clear boundaries and you need to learn mutual respect. If you don’t, you go back to the Power Struggle. You unfortunately can get stuck in this stage if you get too attached to the peace and stability that comes with it. Remember that all growth requires change and getting outside your comfort zone.
4. The Commitment Stage
In the commitment stage, you fully surrender to the reality that you and your partner are human and that your relationship has shortcomings as a result. You have learned to love each other having to like each other and you choose each other consciously. You can honestly say to your partner, “I don’t need you but I choose you, knowing all I know about you, good and bad.”
You begin to experience a beautiful balance of love, belonging, fun, power and freedom. The trap in this stage is thinking that all your work is done. While this may be somewhat true on an individual level, your work in the world as a couple is just beginning. This is the only stage where you’re actually ready to be married. However, being married does not mean that you’re in the Commitment Stage.
Most people get married in the Romance Stage when they are high on drugs (the stage when they cannot do without each other), before they have learned to navigate conflict.
5. The Bliss / Co-Creation Stage
In this stage you become two people who have chosen to be a team moving out into the world. You move beyond the relationship and your relationship becomes a gift to the world.
Often, couple in this stage work on a project together – some kind of shared creative work that is intended to contribute to the world in some way e.g. a business, a charity or a family. Or the individuals in the marriage are off in the world doing what makes them happy and then touching base here and there with their partner. Trust is huge in this stage and no one is insecure of the other. Many couples at this stage also do not spend as much time together depending on their work pressure (travel etc), yet they are happy. If you have been together many years and are in the Bliss stage, be careful not to invest so much energy into the outside world that you forget to nurture your relationship.
As you mature, you need to retain the lessons you learned at each stage and bring them forward as you grow – you are in one stage or another at any given time with bits of the others thrown in for good measure. You will keep coming back to the Power Struggle Stage until you learn to love each other’s differences and fight in a way that deepens your intimacy and connection instead of eroding it. If you have ever wondered why you and your partner keep arguing over the same things over and over, it’s probably because you’ve not completed your Power Struggle stage yet.
Please note that at each stage except the first one, if partners do not recognise where they are at and if they do not work on move up to the next stage, the marriage could end or an affair or two could enter. And for partners who refuse to admit they too could have a problem, they will continue to move on to other partner only to face the same thing.
In a nutshell, people as human beings go from being “Independent” – bachelor or bacheloress, you are single and searching or single and waiting to be caught, but you are doing your own thing for yourself.
Then you fall in love and become “Inter-dependent” – you get into a relationship and believe you cannot do without the other person. You lose your individuality and start relying on the other person to survive emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally.
But the best and healthiest relationships are those where the couple have learnt to be Co-dependent – mutually supportive of each other. The people in the partnership celebrate each others individuality and allow each other space to be themselves. But at the same time they know they are one and make it clear that regardless of their different individual traits or likes they still love, support, accept, celebrate and encourage each other even in their differences.
Well, folks I surely hope in this month of love, I have given you love and relationship lessons for you to hold on to in times of need. So until next week, God bless!
Wedding Doctor can be messaged/WhatsApped on 0772 933 845 or email: [email protected].
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